


Soul Music

by Cherrys_Criminal_Mind



Category: Criminal Minds, Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Comfort, F/M, Hurt, Maeve - Freeform, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-04 14:23:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5337326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind/pseuds/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer didn't know what bought him to the bar that night, only that he needed to get out of his apartment. He needed to stop thinking about Maeve.<br/>He certainly didn't expect to find himself transfixed with beautiful songstress or to recognise the same sadness in her eyes. </p><p>A/N - This was a request from my own blog. It is written in the Y/N narrative but the reader character does have an actual name. Please don't let this put you off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Undisclosed Desires

Spencer sat at the bar nursing his third whiskey, the amber liquid mixing with the almost melted ice. 

He didn’t particularly want to be here, but then again he didn’t particularly want to be anywhere right now. He’d come here on a whim, having entered his apartment three hours ago and suddenly feeling so sick and tired of seeing the same walls. Sick and tired of being alone with his own thoughts. 

He knew he could have gone to JJs or Dereks, or even Penelopes but he couldn’t cope with their sympathetic glances, them trying to touch him, hug him, anything to bring him out of himself. Rossi had been the only one he’d actually spoke to about his feelings, and even that was a while ago.

Sure he was coping okay when he was at the BAU. He knew how to put on a brave face, and he wasn’t letting his mental state affect his work. But he’d made excuses every time the team had invited him out. The first few months, they’d understood but now it seemed that they were almost annoyed with him for not wanting their company. JJ had knocked on his apartment door only a few weeks ago, calling his phone when he didn’t answer. He knew she knew he was home. And he felt terrible about hurting her feelings but he just didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. No one understood how he was feeling. The only person he thought would understand was gone. 

Tonight, it finally got too much for him. So he went out in hope of a distraction. No, not thatkind of distraction. That was the last thing on his mind. Hell, when he couldn’t even stand to let his closest friends show any physical affection towards him, there was no one he was ready for that.

He just wanted something to take his mind off it. Something to distract him from the images that crept into his head. The scenarios of the time they should have had together. What should have and could have been. And now, never would.

So he’d wandered the streets until he’d seen a sign for a small dive bar, The Notes Of The Wind. A chalkboard on the pavement outside advertising live music. He’d walked down the short alley to get to the door, the doorman eyeing him up carefully before moving aside to let him in. He’d paid the small cover fee and entered the bar area. A small stage with a DJ booth to one side. Two walls were covered in various different band posters, layered over each other. Another wall covered in polaroids, presumely of the patrons as he had spied two cameras and boxes of film behind the bar. 

There was a tiny dance floor, tables and chairs surrounding it, a few booths along a wall  the leather seats looking old and worn. Most of the tables and booths were taken, so he’d taken a seat at the bar ordering a beer when the bar tender had come to him. She was pretty, a young girl who looked barely old enough to drink alcohol herself. She’d tried to make conversation with him asking if he was waiting for friends but he’d just shaken his head, asking for a whiskey when he realised the beer wasn’t going to touch the sides. 

The live musical act had already started, a couple by the looks of it. The guy was playing guitar and providing back up vocals, but the female was the main attraction. Her voice was hauntingly beautiful, pure and clear. And their song choice was interesting. Covers, but mostly of Indie or rock music, all songs by bands fronted by a male singer, but now being sung by a female.  

He watched, feeling himself relaxing slightly ordering another whiskey, the bar tender whose name badge had read “Ally” having to tap his arm to get his attention when she’d placed his drink down in front of him. He’d jumped at the contact having rarely allowed himself to be touched in the past eight months. She giggled at him, “She’s good isn’t she?”

Reid had nodded agreeing, “Very good.” He downed his drink in one before asking for another. Ally took his money before bringing him another, this one a double. She just shrugged when he raised his eyes at the amount in the glass.

He turned his attention back to the singer. As well as having a voice that reminded him of warm, melted chocolate, she was phsyically stunning. She wasn’t stick thin like most girls thought they had to be these days. Her figure was the classic hourglass, curves in all the right places and she was showing it off in a dark purple skater style dress  made of crushed velvet. The neckline had a slight scoop to it, showing a hint of smooth creamy white cleavage. She wore black sheer pantyhose, her feet encased in green Doc Martins. Dark brown hair was worn loose, one side clipped back slightly. Her make up was simple but effective. Dark eyeliner outlining eyes that he wasn’t close enough to tell the exact colour of, and a deep plum coloured lipstick. 

She scanned the crowd on a regular basis, seemingly making eye contact with each one of her fans who were all mesmerized by her. In between songs, she chatted to the crowd charming them with anecdotes and storys. She’d glanced over at Spencer a few times, him avoiding eye contact with her everytime she did. 

The crowd had just applauded as the song she was singing came to an end. He’d recognised the song, although it had sounded completely different to the original. A cover of My Chemical Romance’s “The Ghost of You.”

He’d turned back to the his drink, catching the eye of Ally who looked like she was wipinga tear away. He couldn’t blame her. If he could feel any sort of emotion right now he was sure he would have welled up at the song too. The way she’d sung it had sounded like she was mourning for a long lost lover, berating him for leaving her. She definitely had a knack for interpreting the different emotions of songs. She moved away from the mic stand, whispering something to the guitar player, him nodding at her. 

The guitar started up again and she spoke into the mic announcing that this was their last song for the night. Spencer turned back around, not recognising the song at first, as the timing had been slowed down, the sound different on just an acoustic guitar.

“I know you’ve suffered, But I don’t want you to hide,   
It’s cold and loveless,   
I won’t let you be denied

Soothing,

I’ll make you feel pure,

Trust me, You can be sure”

Her eyes scanned the crowd again, one of her hands on the microphone, her hips swaying lightly to the music. Her eyes had closed during the last two lines of the bridge and when opened she them again she was staring directly at him.

“I want to reconcile the violence in your heart  
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask,   
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,   
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart”

This time he couldn’t look away from her, her voice, every word she was singing seemed like she was singing it directly to him. He’d never heard the song sung this way before and it was hitting him deep in the pit of his gut.

“You trick your lovers,   
That you’re wicked and divine,   
You may be a sinner,   
But your innocence is mine

Please me,   
Show me how it’s done,   
Tease me,   
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,   
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask,   
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,   
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart”

 

She broke her intense gaze on him for a moment, one of her hands reaching up to her hair and brushing a stray strand back behind her ear. She turned to her boyfriend smiling at him before moving into the ending of the song. Her gaze came back to Spencers. He was too transfixed to notice some of the other patrons, turning around to follow her eyes, wondering who she was singing to.

“Please me,   
Show me how it’s done,   
Trust me,   
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,   
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask,   
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,   
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart”

The applause was louder this time and went on for longer and she grinned widely around the room, giving a small curtsey and chuckling. Spencer watched her hop off the stage, helping the guy she was with pack up their equiptment, before taking a slow walk around the room, chatting with people who’d obviously seen her perform before.

Reid drained his whiskey again, Ally appearing once more as just as he empty glass hit the bar top. He was the only one sitting at the bar currently, although now the entertainment had finished more and more people were slowly trickling up to refill their drinks. Another bar tender appeared from the back room, flicking on a jukebox before helping tend to the drinks orders.

“Another?” She reached for Spencers glass. He shook his head asking for another beer instead. She waved away the money this time when she handed it over explaining “You’re new here. This ones on the house. Maybe come back and bring some friends?”

Spencer nodded, knowing he’d come back but that he’d be alone. “Do they….do they play here often?”

“She works here actually and she’s my room mate, but yeah they normally play a few times a month. We keep trying to convince them to try out for The Voice or something but she won’t. They’re really good together.”

“They definately are.” Spencer agreed, taking a long pull on the beer. 

Ally busied herself serving other people as the singer and her partner approached the bar, pulling up seats at the opposite end, chatting to each other. They gave their order to Ally when she approached them, chatting and laughing with her, her filling their drinks order moments later. Two whiskeys and a beer. Ally put the beer and one whiskey down in front of them, taking the singers money, before coming back over to Reid and placing the second whiskey in front of him.

“Courtesy of our beautiful song bird over there.”

“Really?” Spencer wasn’t sure why she was buying him a drink. “Does her boyfriend not mind?”

Ally laughed “Who, Jake. Thats her brother. So no he definitely doesn’t mind,”

Oh.

He raised the glass to his lips, looking over in her direction seeing her watching him as he took a small sip. She smiled, before slipping of her stool and walking over to him.  
……..

 

You’d seen him enter the bar earlier in the evening. It wasn’t often new people ventured in, especially alone. The bar wasn’t a bad place, it was just tucked away down an alley. It relied on custom from regulars most of whom you knew by name. You worked there as well as performing on a regular basis. The bar was home to you, you loved it.  

He’d pulled up a seat at the bar, almost completely blanking Ally when she’d tried to flirt with him. That rarely happened, most guys thinking Ally was a stone cold fox. You had to agree with them, your friend was a stunner. You’d been intrigued by the new customer though, who’d initially seemed so lost in his own thoughts. When he’d turned to watch you singing you’d been struck by a sadness in his eyes. He seemed so……lost. You’d attempted to make eye contact with him, but he’d looked away seconds later turning so that his hair fell in front of his facing, shielding his eyes from you, a move you’d long ago perfected yourself.

You’d always been extremely good at reading people’s emotions. Your Aunt had told you stories about how even as a child, you knew when family members were upset, often going up to them and offering them your favourite stuffed bear Lancelot to hold.

When you’d starting singing Undisclosed Desires, you couldn’t help but look at him. Despite never speaking to him before, you felt a certain affinity with him. This time he hadn’t looked away from you and you’d stared deeply into his eyes, watching the changes in his body language as the song had gone on.   
There was a reason he was alone in a bar on a Thursday night. This man had experienced something terrible and he wasn’t dealing with it. You could read it in his face, in his eyes as he watched you and in his mouth as it moved along with the words, him not even realising he was doing it.  

When you’d made your rounds after the set and pulled a seat up at the bar, you’d asked Ally what he’d been drinking and she’d raised her eyebrows at you questioningly. 

“What?”

“He’s been drinking whiskey, I take it you’re buying him one then. He’s cute but very quiet. Not your usual type.”

You gave her a look,  "Just take my money and give him the damn drink Al.“

 She did as instructed, him looking over at you when she told him who had bought it. He’d looked suprised before accepting it and taking it a drink. You took that as a cue to slip off your seat and walked over to him.

“Hey” You said when you were close enough to talk to him. 

“Um, hey. Thanks for the drink.” His voice was quiet, and now you were standing next to him you could see his eyes were a deep amber colour, almost the same colour as the drink in front of him. 

“No worries” You weren’t sure how to do this. Did you just delve right in?  

“I liked the last song you did by the way. I’ve never heard it sung like that.” He smiled at you slightly, brushing a lock of hair off his face.

“Thank you. So, whats your name?”

“Spencer.” Not looking at you now, but at his drink.

Spencer. Nice name.

“And erm, what was her name?” Delving right in it was.

His eyes snapped up to yours, confused. Had you read him wrong.

“His name?” You tried again.  

He shook his head at you, his eyes full of sadness. His mouth opening and closing not sure what to say. 

“Am I wrong?”

He shook his head at you again, before a small whisper “How did you know?”

“Because for me, his name was Adam. Thirty two months ago. Car accident.”  
He was quiet for a moment, taking in what you’d just said before turning to you and asking “Whats your name?”

“Kay, short for Kayden……My parents thought I was going to be a boy.” People generally thought it was short for something else but then always seemed suprised by the full version, it mainly being a boys name.

Spencer didn’t seemed fazed by this, instead he just seemed to be having an internal debate with himself before finally deciding to tell you.

“Kay, her name was Maeve. Eight months ago. She was killed, in front of me.”

Okay so you hadn’t quite been expecting the last part but you’d been right.  
You put your hand out going to place it on his arm in a gesture of comfort, stopping short when heard a sharp intake of breath and saw his eyes move to your hand.

“Sorry” You put your hand on the bar instead. “I was the same when it first happened to me. Couldn’t stand to have anyone touch me.”

You downed your drink signally to Ally for four more, sliding a note across the bar to her.

“Spencer, there’s a booth open over there. Its quieter. You can say no, and I won’t be offened in the slightest but do you wanna, maybe talk?”

He considered your offer for a minute before nodding, you leaning over the bar grabbing a tray for your drinks and leading the way.

“Same bench, or opposite sides?” You asked. If he didn’t like contact, you didn’t want to crowd him.

“We can sit on the same sides. It will be easier to talk.”

You moved into the booth first, so he could exit quickly if he felt like he needed to. 

“So.” You wern’t sure where to begin.

“Kay…. How long did it take for you to start feeling normal again after?”

Normal…..What was normal? 

“I don’t know is the honest answer Spencer. I’m still not the same person I was before. After it happened, I locked myself off from everyone. Literally. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, if my friends or family tried to touch me, I’d react violently. I just wanted to to be left alone.”

“What changed?”

“I’m not sure. One day, I just woke up and suddenly missed the feeling of another persons skin on mine. I missed being around people, talking and laughing with them. But then, because I’d not allowed anyone to touch me for so long, it just felt wrong and I ended up having panic attacks. I eventually booked into to see a therapist, who suggested exposure therapy.”

“Exposure therapy?”  

“Yep. Like with someone I trusted. So they’d start just by touching my arm over my clothes, and we’d sit like that for a while. And then work slowly up from there.” It had been strange. You’d chosen your childhood best friend and cousin, Issy to do this with. And then when you were ready to move onto the more intimate things she couldn’t help with, you met up with a guy from an online support group you’d joined.

“And did it work?”  He look intrigued. 

“Well I no longer scream and shout if someone touches me.” You smiled at him. “And I’ve been succesfully able to have relationships with people since.” You weren’t sure why you were telling him that last part.

“I haven’t, I haven’t even thought about that.”

“No I can’t imagine you have yet. It’s not the easiest thing, going to bed with someone else. The first time, I felt like I was cheating on him.”

“I never even got to do that with her.”

What?

He must have seen the expression on your face. He began to explain, telling you how their realtionship had worked and how the first time he’d met her, was the night she was killed. How he never got to tell her he loved her too, never got to hold her or do any of the things that couples do together.  

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you any of this. I can’t even tell my own friends. I’ve shut them all out. I’ve shut everyone out.”

“Because sometimes it’s easier talking to a complete stranger.”  

“It is. It’s only now talking to you that I realise that I do want to move on. Not to forget Maeve, but to learn how to open up again. I…..I miss it. It wasn’t until Maeve that I realised that I was capable of loving someone else. But now I know that I am, but I’m scared I’ll never be able to be with someone again. I want to have a relationship with someone. I want to have kids someday. I don’t…..I don’t want to be alone forever. But I’m scared.”

“Scared?”

“If I can’t let my friends touch me or show affection, then how can I let another woman do it?”

You weren’t sure why you said the next thing. Was it because you knew how he felt, what he was going through?

“I could help? if you like?”

“Help?”

“We could try the exposure therapy thing?…..Or not? I don’t mean the intimate stuff Spencer, not at first. Although if you needed to then……. .” You trailed off.  
He was quiet for a moment. 

“Are you sure? You want to help me?”

“Spencer, what we’ve gone through is hard. Someone helped me. I can help you.”

He took another few minutes to answer, you almost able to see the cogs turning in his head. 

“Yes. I’d like that.”

“Okay. But not here. Not tonight.”

He agreed, and you swapped numbers, agreeing that he would call you. He needed to make the first move with this, if it was going to be his therapy.  
…. 


	2. Map Of The Problematique

It took you three weeks to hear from Spencer again. You’d kinda given up on him although you weren’t offended in the least. 

You knew he was going through an extremely hard time and although you’d offered to help in, it had to be his decision.  

In the small amount of time you’d spent with him, you’d decided that you’d liked him. It didn’t take you long to make up your mind about people. You could tell that he was a genuinely kind and caring person and you could bet that he’d be fun to be around. It was just circumstances that were hindering that side of him. 

It was 2:30pm on a Friday afternoon when he finally made contact with you. You’d been pottering around the apartment you shared with Ally and your brother above the bar when your phone had buzzed. Jake, you swiped to answer it. 

“Hey Special K. There’s someone here to see you. Says his names Spencer. Shall I get rid?”

“Nope. Send him up please.” You were still in your pj’s having had a long bath as you weren’t due into work until later, but no mind. 

“Okay, sending him your way now. Me and Ally Cat will be down here all afternoon if you need anything.”

You signed off from your brother, flicking the coffeemaker on and shrugging into one of his hoodies. The vest you were wearing was fairly flimsy. 

Twenty seconds later, a knock on the door. You pulled it open revealing the tall man you spent the last three weeks thinking about. 

“Hey, come in.” You moved aside to let him into the room. “Coffee?“ 

He nodded “Please. I’m erm, sorry to just drop by like this. I didn’t realise you lived above the bar.”

You nodded pouring two cups and motioning to the sugar and milk so he could add to his taste.“Yeah Ben, the owner gives us a good discount providing we’re here to take deliveries and stuff. It’s a pretty good deal. He owns a couple of other bars across town that I play at sometimes too, and he mostly leaves us to our own devices here. So long as we’re turning a profit and not doing anything illegal.”

You watched him add five cubes of sugar to his coffee, handing him a spoon so he could mix it in with raised eyebrows. He caught your look, just shrugging at you. 

“So erm… Not to be rude or anything Spencer. But why are you here?”

“You offered help. I want it if the offers still there. It’s just taken me a few weeks to realise it.”

“Okay.” You led him to your couch, sitting down and crossing your legs underneath you. He followed you joining you. 

“I’m not a therapist you know. I’m in no way actually trained to help you.”

“Perhaps not officially, but I felt more comfortable talking to you than I did my closest friends. You understand me, because you’ve been there. The other night, you hadn’t even spoke to me and you knew I’d lost someone. ”

“I’ve always been able to read people. It’s kinda like my superpower. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to sense things about people. It went out of wack for a while after the accident but now it’s back stronger than ever.”

He looked at you curiously. “What else do you sense about me?“ 

"I know you’re scared. That you think you’ll be incapable of loving someone again, even though you know you do want to. You’re frustrated because you’ve pushed your friends and colleagues away and you don’t know how to get them back. I know that after she was killed, you thought about joining her,  you didn’t see a purpose to your life because you couldn’t save her. You probably even went as far as holding the knife to your skin but you couldn’t bring yourself to make the cut. I know that……that you’ve started to crave contact again but you don’t know how to initiate it. And that’s why you’re here now.”

He looked at you with his mouth wide open. “You definitely should come and work with me at the BAU." 

"BAU? You’re FBI?”

He nodded and then spent the next thirty minutes telling you about his job. You could tell he loved his work, he became so animated and seemed like a different person gesturing with his hands and even smiling. He had a very nice smile, one that lit his dark eyes right up. He talked fast, spewing facts and figures about serial killers, profiling and cases and you found yourself genuinely interested. 

“I’m sorry, I’m rambling.” He stopped, taking a sip of his coffee which by now must be cold. 

“You’re not. It’s interesting, and if I’m going to help you then we should probably get to know each other a bit better anyway.”

“Tell me about you."He asked, fidgeting with his hands. 

"I’m pretty much an open book now. I’m twenty five, I enjoy my job at the bar and I love singing. I still have my bad days where I don’t want to be around anyone, or where a certain memory takes over and I feel sad again but music and singing have helped me a lot. Music means so much to me and I love taking a piece of music and playing with it. It amazes me how changing the timing or key of a song can give it such a different emotion. And how lyrics can mean so many different things to different people.”

“That last song you sung, it’s weird but it felt like you singing it just to me. I know that sounds strange.” He looked away from you. 

“It doesn’t, not at all. Certain songs speak to people in different ways. And I did feel drawn to you that night in the bar. In fact that wasn’t even going to be my closing song, but I changed it at last minute.” You’d been working on Undisclosed Desires for a while, playing with the tone and the key until it sounded almost like a difference song. That night was the first time you’d played it. 

“What was the original song?”

“Closer.” His eyes widened. You giggled “Not the one you’re thinking off, although that’s a pretty interesting song lyrically. It was the Kings of Leon song.”

“I don’t think I know it. I only know of the Nine Inch Nails song. Why do say it’s interesting? Isn’t it just wanting to have sex with someone?" 

You shook your head. "Nope it’s not as black and white as that. It is about sex, but not for the purposes of lust. You should listen to it again. In fact, I’ll burn you CD to take home with you. Songs that I think will speak to you in someway.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. So, erm…. This exposure therapy thing. How do you wanna do it? And how far do you wanna go?" 

He looked thoughtful. "How did you do it?”

“Well initially, my friend just started off holding my hand and letting me get comfortable with that, and then we worked up to hugging and sharing a bed.”

“Sharing a bed?" 

"Not like that, not with her. Although we did kiss, just because I was terribly nervous. And when I was ready for the other stuff, we found someone else to help me.”

“Was that weird?”

“Weird as hell the first few times. I’d been with Adam since I was 17. And before him, I’d only been with one other person. It’s strange though. I used to associate sex with love. Now it’s a way of release. I’m sure when the right person comes along then it will be loving and sweet and stuff, but now it’s….. Well it can help me forget. It makes me feel good. And there’s definitely times when I need that.”

He nodded, a flush forming on his cheeks. “I’ve forgotten what feeling good is like.”

“Then I can try to help you remember?" 

"Why are you offering to do this? What do you get out of it?" 

You thought about your answer carefully. "I get the knowledge that I’ve helped someone move on with their life. Helped someone find themselves again and maybe made a new friend along the way?" 

"And if I wanted help with everything? In-including the stuff you, erm couldn’t do with your friend?” His cheeks reddened. 

“I thought I was clear Spencer, I am prepared to help with everything if that’s what you want or need. It’s just sex…. And you’re an attractive guy, it’s not like I’d be putting myself out. It’d be an mutually beneficial arrangement. You learn to move on and break down your walls and I, well without wanting to be crude, I get to feel good for a bit.”

He looked uncomfortable, shifting on the couch. 

“Spencer we can just start with the hand holding and stuff, so you can go back to being normal with your friends. We don’t have to do anything more.”

“Okay. Let’s start there.”

…… 

By the time Spencer got home he was physically and emotionally exhausted. It was only 7pm but Kay had needed to work. He knew he could have gone and sat in the bar too but he felt like he’d pushed himself far enough today. 

He couldn’t believe how connected he felt to the girl. She was younger than him but seemed old before her time. In the afternoon he’d spent with her, he’d discovered more about her and had learnt that despite the intense sadness she’d experienced with the loss of her partner, she still managed to have a positive outlook and was managing to live her life the way she wanted to. 

She was so open, not really getting embarrassed about things the way he did and he could sense that he could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge him. He hadn’t felt this kind of connection with anyone since Maeve but if felt wrong to him that he was feeling it. It hadn’t been that long after all. 

When he’d asked her what else she had sensed about him, his jaw had dropped. She’d read him like a book right down to the detail of him pressing a blade to his wrist but not being to actually make the incision. 

She had better profiling skills than him and it just came completely natural to her. 

As the afternoon had gone on, he’d wanted to try the exposure therapy she’d offered. It was, what had bought him to the bar in search of her in the first place. After returning from a case and completing his paperwork early he’d been dismissed and had found himself wondering the streets again. He’d been thinking about her offer of help for the last three weeks but it was only when Penelope had made a move to touch his arm earlier today and he’d found himself flinching away again, that he’d made the decision to do something about it. 

When the discussion of how far the therapy could go had arose he’d been surprised when she’d commented that she was willing to do everything, sex now not being a big deal to her. Although his own sexual experiences were few and far between, he had always associated the act of intercourse as something to do with the person you loved, and she’d agreed that she’d shared the same view until she’d lost her Adam. Now she viewed it differently as simply a way to feel good about herself or a way to get lost, immersing herself in someone else. And that view was interesting. 

As promised, she’d burned him a CD and he pulled a small portable player into the bathroom with him as he drew himself a hot bath. Climbing in, he hit the play button listening to the songs she’d chosen for him, his eyes closed. 

He could still feel the burn of her skin on him from where she’d gently held his hand when he’d told her wanted to begin today. It was the most physical contact he’d allowed in a long time and when she’d first touched his wrist lightly with her fingers, he’d had to stop himself snatching his wrist away and bolting through he door. 

The first song clicked on and he checked the CD case she’d given him, the track listing hurriedly written out in small neat print. Greenday: Macys Day Parade. She’d asked him to write down his interpretations of the songs she’d given him, homework. He’d heard this song before in his youth, but had never really stopped to think of the meaning behind it. 

Listening to it now years later, it seemed like it was about making difficult choices, deciding where to go and what to do with your life.

He stroked his wrist, where her hand had lain on it as she’d gently soothed to him that she wasn’t going to hurt him and that she’d stop at anytime. He’d explained to her one of his theories about why he found physical affection so hard now. Maeves killer, Diane, had been the last person to touch him (aside from the brief hugs he’d allowed his colleagues immediately after) with any sort of affection, although it was all misplaced feelings. She hugged him, kissed him, and then put a bullet through her own head and that of the girl he’d been certain he’d spend the rest of his life with. He’d now begin to think that it was her touching him in the way she had and then doing what she did which had caused the reactions in his head. Kay had agreed with his theory, saying that it made sense. Misplaced affection followed by immense violence could definately fuck your thoughts up.

She’d distracted him with tales of her childhood telling him about her brother and her growing up in a farmhouse on the outskirts of Virginia. As she gently stroked his wrist and slowly slipped her hand into his palm interlacing her fingers with his own, she’d told him how her mom had died when she was only seven and her brother ten. Her father not being able to cope had moved the family in with his older sister and her husband, abandoning them six months later and never returning. Spencer himself had suffered a similar instance of abandonment when his father had upped and left him and his mom, leaving him alone to deal with his moms issues. 

He’d found himself watching Kays thumb intently as it rubbed lightly the the back of his hand as she’d told him stories about her and her cousin and close friend Issy roaming through the woods near her Aunt and Uncles home, building forts and having camp outs. Although the circumstances that had put her and her brother in their care where tragic, she’d genuinely enjoyed her childhood, speaking of her Aunt and Uncle fondly. She still saw them once a month for a family dinner, driving the sixty miles distance and spending the weekend if she could. 

A few songs later he realised he must be listening to “Closer”, the other song Kay had said she’d origianlly planned on ending on.  She definately had interesting taste in music, this song sounding eerie and dramatic. He couldn’t imagine a female voice singing it but then again she had such a beautiful voice he figured she could probably turn it to anything. A line stood out to him; “You shimmy-shook my boat, Leaving me stranded all in love on my own”. This was how he felt. Stranded in love, with someone who couldn’t love him back because she wasn’t there.

After Kay had held his hand for about an hour and he’d finally got used to the sensation he tentatively asked her if he could try hugging her. She’d balked at first saying that she thought it was too soon and that he should take little steps, but he’d insisted wanting to get it over and done with. Now he’d made his decision to move on, he didn’t want to wait. He turned to her on the couch, crossing his own legs underneath him so they sat with their knees almost touching each other, but not quite.

Turned out she was right as the moment she’d leant in and put an arm around his neck, he started to panic. Not a full blown panic attack by any means but his breathing had quickened and his chest had felt tight. All he could see was Diane leaning into him instead, blocking his view of Maeve.

Kay had immediately pulled away, sitting right back in her seat not touching him at all. “Breathe Spencer, there’s no threat. It’s just me. You’re doing so well.” He closed his eyes, his fists clenched, fighting the urge to leave.

“Try again please." 

"Are you sure?”

He nodded, his eyes still closed. She tried differently this time, inching closer to him on the couch and instead placing her hands on his shoulders. She left them there for a few minutes, letting him adjust to the closeness. She started to hum and he could feel himself relaxing, his breathing slowing. 

“Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes  
Hold back the river so I,  
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide  
Hold back the river, hold back”

He slowly opened his eyes looking at her deep blue ones, her sweet singing voice soothing him.

“There you are. You okay?” He nodded at her, wrestling with himself and winning he moved his own arms, resting his hands on the curve of her waist. He was shaking as he did it, but he still managed it. If she could feel him trembling she didn’t show it, just smiling at him and saying again how well he was doing. She moved her hands slowly across his shoulders, leaning in carefully and linking her hands behind his neck, their knees now touching as well. His fingers dug in to her waist with dertermination as he willed himself to remain calm. She wasn’t Maeve and she wasn’t Diane, she wasn’t going to hurt him. 

Kay pulled away from suddenly, climbing to her feet. “Stand up Spencer.” He did as she instructed.

“I’m going to put my arms around your neck again okay and lean in for a proper hug. Hug me back if you can. Just remember, I’m not her. I’m not Maeve and I’m not Diane. I’m Kay.”

She stood on her tiptoes leaning in and linking her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his. His heart was hammering so loudly he was sure she could hear it. He forced himself to put his arms around her waist, feeling her head settle on his shoulder. Although she was wearing a thick hoody, he could feel the warmth of her against him, the feel of another body in his personal space.

This wasn’t so bad he’d thought to himself. He could do this.He linked his arms across the base of her spine drawing her closer, feeling her soft curves. He wasn’t sure but if felt like her heartbeat had sped up too. 

It was only when she moved her hands to his hair that he pulled away, the move startling him somewhat.

“Sorry” She apologised profusely afterwards “One step too much.”

She glanced at her wall clock. “Spence, I need to get ready for work” Her using the shortened version of his name not bothering him at all. “Let me just burn this CD for you.”

She pulled open her laptop which was on the floor to the side of the couch, popping a CD into the slot. A few minutes later she was done, hurridly scribbling out a track listing as well.

“Listen to this, text me your thoughts and feelings on the songs. Call me anytime you need to, and we’ll make arrangements to meet again. You did so well today, better than the first time I tried it. I freaked out and slapped Issy the first time she tried to hug me.” She laughed at was a funny memory now, but must have been horrible for her then.

He’d left not long after that, promising to text or call her. 

Another song flicked on, another Muse one by the sounds of it.

“Fear, and panic in the air  
I want to be free   
From desolation and despair

And I feel like everything I sow  
Is being swept away  
When I refuse to let you go

I can’t get it right  
Get it right  
Since I met you

Loneliness be over  
When will this loneliness be over

Life will flash before my eyes  
So scattered almost  
I want to touch the other side  
And no one thinks they are to blame  
Why can’t we see  
That when we bleed we bleed the same

I can’t get it right  
Get it right  
Since I met you

Loneliness be over  
When will this loneliness be over  
Loneliness be over  
When will this loneliness be over”

Oh god, he wanted the loneliness to be over so badly.


	3. Hysteria

In the next six weeks you saw Spencer seven more times. He’d not contact you for days on end and then suddenly he’d appear one night when you were working, or he’d text you asking if you could meet. 

You always agreed, you were starting to enjoy his company as well as feeling like you were doing some good in the world. He told you more about himself and you’d learnt that he was ridiculously intelligent being classified as an actual genius. He told you about growing up in Vegas and his schizophrenic mother, confessing afterward that he rarely told anyone about her as he was ashamed that he’d not been able to look after her himself. 

If he came to the bar he’d sit waiting patiently for you to finish, making conversation with Ally or your brother whenever he was on shift. Sometimes he’d only stay for an hour or two other times you’d end back up to your apartment, until the early hours of the morning just watching TV and chatting until your flatmates disappeared off to bed, sometimes to their separate bedrooms. Sometimes to each others. 

You knew about their mutual agreement. Friends with benefits, and it didn’t bother you normally. Tonight though, they were being loud. And you could feel the man next to you on the couch shifting uncomfortably. 

It was two am and Spencer had told you he wasn’t at work the next day, and you didn’t have to be in until the evening. It was Allys turn to open up. You grabbed your bag, pulling your shoes on. 

“Come on we’re going out.”

“Its two in the morning Kay?” He looked confused. 

“Yep, sun rises at about 5am this time of the year, we’ve got plenty of time. “ 

Rummaging about in the fridge you pulled out a couple of bottles of water and some energy drinks,  throwing them into a carrier along with two blankets. Spencer still looked apprehensive. 

"Spence, you already said you wanted to try the next stage of therapy. It’s not gonna happen whilst those two are at it in the next room. Come on." 

He followed you reluctantly out of the door, you leading him to the street where you kept your car and getting in. 

Although you’d spent a lot of time together, you hasn’t actually managed to progress any further with his exposure therapy, due to Ally and Jake being around. The most you’d managed was a few little hugs and hand holds, and a few touches here and there. He was getting much better, not flinching when Ally had gone to hug him goodbye one night, or when your brother had punched him lightly on the arm after a joke. 

Part of you wondered through whether it was because you were a new group of people. He’d opened up to you more than he had to his friends and colleagues and when you questioned whether he’d been able to make the effort with them, he’d shook his head saying it still felt weird and that he still couldn’t bring himself to.

You made him promise that he’d try, just go out with them for half an hour one night you’d said. Give JJ or Penelope a hug or a pat on the shoulder, just give them something. You knew the whole teams names now, after listening to him ramble on about them so much. 

Pulling out onto the road, you drove north heading down the same route you’d use to get to your Aunts house. 

"Where are we going.” Spencer turned to you. 

“A place I used to go when I was younger. It’s beautiful, we’ll be able to see the stars clearly and then watch the sun come up. And we can try the next part of your therapy whilst we’re there.”

“Which is?”

You hesitated before answering. “Depending on which way you wanna take this, it would be either lying down with each other and hugging…… Or a kiss.”

You heard a gulp followed by an “Oh.”

“You don’t have to decide yet, we’ve got a way to go first.”

Flicking your CD player on you began to sing along softly with the music. It was one of your mixes and after a few songs, the Nine Inch Nails song closer came on, you remembering the conversation you’d had with Spencer weeks ago. 

“Did you ever listen to this again like I told you to?”

He nodded. 

“So apart from the obvious, what do you think it’s about. Because like I said before everyone reads this as a lust anthem and to me it’s definitely not.”

He thought about his answer carefully before clearing his throat. “It is still about sex. But I think it’s about someone using sex to feel better about themselves and not to make the other person feel good.”

You nodded, adding to his musings.“I feel like the singer hates himself, he’s lost his way in the world; lost his faith. He feels he has no reason to be who he is, barely feels anything at all. He’s shut himself off, isolated himself from everyone who loves him. So he uses sex and women to lose himself, it’s the only way he can feel anything at all.”

Spencer spoke so quietly you barely heard him, “I don’t want to end up like that, but what if I’m already halfway there?”

You glanced at him, before taking the hand closest to him off the wheel and reaching for his. You took it, squeezing it gently, pleased when you didn’t hear the sharp intake of breath you’d become accustomed to. “You won’t become like that. You may have momentarily stepped away from the people who love you, but you’ll go back to them. If you were anything like the singer, then you wouldn’t be spending the amount of you do with me. Or you would, but we definitely wouldn’t be talking.”

“Can I ask you something?” His voice still quiet. 

“Anything.”

“Do you relate to this song? Or at least your interpretation of it.”

“I used to yes. I don’t hate myself now at all, far from it. But using sex and physical intimacy to feel good about yourself and to forget, then yeah. I still relate to that. Sometimes a good old fuck can make a bad day a hell of a lot better. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

You looked over at him again, noticing he’d gone red. 

“I’ll tell you something though Spencer. I’m good with the physical side of things, but the emotional side. That terrifies me. Telling someone other than Adam that I love them………I’m sure it will happen eventually, but I just can’t imagine it.”

You drove in silence for the next twenty minutes or so, you only releasing his hand to turn off the main road when you needed too. 

Driving the up the dirt track the road climbing higher you heard the familiar intro to Yellow, by Coldplay.  You skipped songs immediately. You put it on every mix CD you made but you hadn’t been able to listen to it or sing it in full in nearly three years. It was yours and Adams song.

Spencer looked at you sensing something change but didn’t say anything. Luckily you had reached your destination. You put the car into park reaching for your handbag, the emergency sleeping bag and pillows you kept in the backseat and motioning to Spencer to pick up the other carrier you’d bought with you. 

“Come on, it’s just up here through those trees.”

“You want me to walk through woods at 3am in the morning…. You’re literally asking for a serial killer to jump out and kill us.”

“I’ve been here a thousand times Spencer. Plus it’s like five trees. Butch up man.”

He laughed at you, a sound you’d only heard from him a few times and a sound that you wish you could hear a thousand times more. He sounded so happy when he laughed, a smile brightening up his handsome face. You just wished you could find a way to keep him smiling for longer. 

You took his hand and led him through the small cluster of trees before they cleared revealing the view you knew so well. You were at the top of a hill, meadows sprawled out before you, the stars twinkling brightly above you. You looked at him expectantly.

“Wow.”

“I know right.”

You pulled the sleeping bag out of its case, unzipping it and spreading it out on the ground, throwing the pillows down on top of it and laying down, making yourself comfortable. 

Spencer pulled the blankets out of the carrier you’d made him bring, floating one down on top of you before joining you on the ground, laying his head inches from yours. 

“I love looking at the stars. I remember after my mom died, my aunt Lil would always bring me and Jake out here and point to the brightest star in the sky and tell us that it was her and that she was watching us, making sure we were okay. I mean I know now that it was probably Venus or something but it helped when I was a kid. I used to look up at it and tell her how my day had been, and I’d feel like she was with me.”

“That’s lovely.” You could hear the smile in his voice.

“When Adam died, I came out here to talk to her, but I couldn’t find the star. I couldn’t tell her because I couldn’t see it. It took three nights before I could see it. Three nights before I could tell my momma that I was alone again.”

A warm hand clasped yours then and you looked over at Spencer in suprise seeing him watching you. He initiated contact, by himself without you prompting him. This was a definite improvement. 

You both lay there in silence watching the stars, hearing nothing but the sounds of the night and the pulses of your own hearts beating. 

“Did you make a decision about the next stage?”

Spencer nodded, “Can we try to hug lying down?" 

You thought that had been what he’d choose. 

"Okay, it’s probably better you come to me so you can move if it’s gets too much.”

You moved an arm out feeling him scoot closer and tentatively resting his head on your chest. Wrapping your arm around him, you felt him tense and then relax as you started gently running his back. 

After a few minutes, his arm came out laying itself across your stomach. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, this is actually kinda nice. Not scary at all.”

“Good.”

“I feel really comfortable with you Kay, you make me feel at ease. It’s weird. No one has been able to do that. I feel like I’ve known you for years.”

“Maybe you have, maybe we knew each other in another life or something.” Your hand moved to his hair, stroking his soft curls. 

“Maybe.”

You both must have dozed off, as the next thing you knew the sun was beginning to rise and you could hear the birds waking up singing their morning songs to you. 

You pushed up, nudging the sleeping man laying on your chest. “Spence, wake up. You’ll miss the sunrise.”

“Huh…. What?” He rolled away from you when he realised how close he’d been, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. You sat up drawing your knees to your chest to watch the sun make its appearance. 

You watched in awe as you always did, feeling like you were seeing something magical, the sun beginning to make its appearance over from the horizon and up into the sky slowly, it’s beams streaming across the meadows below. When it was nearly up, you felt Spencer move closer to you. 

“Kay……Can we try the other thing? The…… K-kiss? ”

You were taken aback.“ Are you sure?”

He nodded “I trust you. And I want it to be you that does it.”

“Okay.”

You moistened your lips leaning in slowly seeing him do the same. He closed his eyes before you’d even made contact, and momentarily wondered whether he was picturing someone else instead of you. 

Gently, you pressed your mouth to his feeling his breathing hitch immediately. You went to pull away, his hand reaching out to your cheek stilling you. 

You kept your lips still for a few seconds wondering whether to try to deepen the kiss or not, before deciding to just roll with it. Slowly applying deeper pressure you began to move your lips against his, feeling him start to reciprocate tilting his head slightly. 

Not wanting to startle him you kept your hands to your side, leaving the amount of contact up to him. You were actually starting to enjoy the feel of him, the warmth of his soft pink lips against yours when he pulled away. 

“Too much?”

“I’m not sure. I……liked it. And that scares me.”

You nodded. You got it. You’d liked it too. And that worried you. You might be starting to have a problem if you weren’t careful. 

“Let’s go Spence. ”

The drive home was quiet, Spencer falling asleep leaving you to your thoughts. Peeking over at him, his mouth parted soft little snores escaping from him. Yes. Possible problem. Push it to one side Kay. You’re meant to be helping him. Not yourself. 

You shook him awake when you reached his building, making him promise to try to interact more with his colleagues before he left. He promised, thanking you for last night, well this morning really. 

Driving home, you fell into bed passing out and dreaming of the stars. 

……. 

Spencer couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. On one hand, he felt like he was betraying Maeve but one the other, even though it hadn’t lasted long, it had been the most amazing kiss of his life. And he really wanted to do it again. Which made him feel even more guilty. 

He knew logically that he had nothing to feel guilty about. Truly, him and Maeve had never said what they were to each other and they’d never got the chance to have a first kiss together. A first anything together.

He’d been terrified that when he closed his eyes to lean in he’d picture Maeve, but he hadn’t. He’d just seen the brown haired beauty he’d been spending so much time with lately, breathing in the scent of her. Lemons. She always smelt of Lemons. 

He’d been pulled away on a case and hadn’t been able to see her for eleven days. She had been texting him though, encouraging him to try to open up to his team mates. They didn’t mention the kiss at all. 

Spencer had tried to open up and he’d actually felt he’d made progress. The night before they’d been called away, Morgan and Rossi had again asked him if he’d wanted to join them for a drink after work and he’d surprised everyone by agreeing to go. Yes he only spent forty minutes with them before making his excuses but both of the older men had looked so pleased with him. 

On the plane ride back from the latest case, he’d patted JJ lightly on the arm when she’d passed him in the aisle, her looking totally shocked at first but then a smile breaking out on her face. 

Kay had sounded so pleased when he’d text her to tell her. He’d asked if he could come see her but she was playing at another bar, just around the corner from The Notes Of The Wind.  She’s be done by eleven she’d text back, come meet at her apartment. 

Morgan had wanted to go for another drink so Spencer, having time to kill and wanting to test his boundaries agreed to accompany him and Garcia, quickly stopping at home to grab a shower and to get changed and then heading to the address Derek had messaged him. 

He found the address easily, happily realising that he wouldn’t have far to walk later. Morgan and Penelope both looked pleasantly surprised when he made his way over to them, them obviously expecting him to bow out at the latest moment.

He’d been tempted to, but he’d promised Kay he’d try. So try he would.

“Pretty boy, glad you made it. Here, we got you a beer.”

“Thanks Morgan” He took a sip. “This isn’t one of your usual places?" 

"Nah me and baby girl found it a few months ago. They have this awesome female singer here a few times a month. In fact she’s playing tonight, she’s just on a break.”

Awesome female singer, and he was around the corner from Kays bar. Hmmmmm.

Two minutes later his question was answered, a text to his phone. “I see you. I’d be worried you were stalking me as I didn’t tell you the name of this place, but I recognise your friends from a few weeks ago. I’m so proud of you by the way. I’m just about to go back on. Can I come say hi after?" 

He scanned around the room quickly, spotting her by the side of the stage her phone in hand. "Yes please do, Penelope and Morgan were just saying how good they think you are. Can we say we know each other from the library or something though, they don’t know that I’ve started to make a habit of frequenting bars by myself.”

“That’s fine. I get it. Any requests?" 

"Some more of that English band you seem to like so much. Muse?” He saw her smile to herself, leaning over to her brother and the two other guys who were playing with them tonight one on drums,the other on bass. 

“Hey genius. Who are you talking to? You got a new friend we don’t know about? I’ve never seen you use your cell as much as you’ve been doing recently.”

Spencer just shook his head at Morgan, only partly paying attention to the easy banter that him and Garcia fell into, whilst listening to the silky sounds of Kays voice when the band started back up again. 

Tonight’s set was another interesting mixture. Queen; I want to break free, followed by Nine Inch Nails; The hand that feeds.  The bass player joining her to sing a rendition of Pinks just give me a reason, followed by some more songs he didn’t recognise but knew he’d ask her the names of so he could look up later. 

She looked beautiful as ever tonight. A short denim skirt over black ripped leggings. A dark moss coloured shirt opened to her waist, a lacy vest top showing underneath it. 

Her make up was heavier than he’d gotten used to seeing it. She didn’t tend to wear that much unless she was actually performing, not that Spencer thought it made much of a difference either way. She was a natural beauty. Her dark lipstick was drawing his attention to her lips, him shifting uncomfortably as he remembered the feel and taste of them. 

“Spencer? SPENCER.”

He shook himself out of his trance, turning to see Morgan and Pen looking at him curiously. 

“The bands nearly done, do you wanna go somewhere else?”

“No I’m good here if that’s okay. I wanna hear the last song anyway.”

“I think Spencer likes the singer.” He heard Penelope whisper to Morgan. “Nah, she’s not his type.” His friend whispered back. 

“Beautiful and mysterious looking is everyones type my sexy chocolate thunder. Even his.”

Kay spoke into the mic “So this last song was kinda a request. And you know I don’t like to disappoint my fans, or my friends. So Spence; this one’s for you.” She looked directly at him then, Spencer hearing a Derek and Garcia exclaiming together. 

“SPENCE?!?”

“Kid, you know this girl?" 

Reid nodded not taking his eyes off the stage as the music kicked in. 

"How?”

“Library… ” He breathed out watching as his friend starting to move to the beat of the music, her lips opening as she started to sing. 

 

“ It’s bugging me  
Grating me  
And twisting me around

Yeah I’m endlessly  
Caving in  
And turning inside out”

Her eyes scanned the room again, smiling and making eye contact with her audience before finally locking onto his. 

Although he was sat a good way away from her he could picture her intense blue eyes up close as if she was stood right in front of her, the flecks of violet sparkling as she sang. 

She licked her lips, Spencer mimicking her without even realising it. When she bought her hand to her hair pushing a loose lock behind back behind her ears, he copied her again, Derek and Garcia watching him watching her with interest. 

“Because I want it now  
I want it now  
Give me your heart and your soul  
And I’m breaking out  
I’m breaking out  
Last chance to lose control”

Another song that spoke right to his soul, summing up everything he was feeling at the moment. Except, these feelings were terrifying for him. He wasn’t expecting to feel them so soon, wasn’t really expecting to feel them again at all. 

“Yeah it’s holding me  
Morphing me  
And forcing me to strive

To be endlessly  
Caving in  
And dreaming I’m alive”

But he was, and the way she was looking at him made him wonder if she felt it too.

He suddenly knew he wanted her…. Wanted to feel her skin on his, to know what it tasted like. Something in the music and the sound of her voice as she sung to him had ignited a long forgotten desire. 

 

“Because I want it now  
I want it now  
Give me your heart and your soul  
I’m not breaking down  
I’m breaking out  
Last chance to lose control

And I want you now  
I want you now  
I feel my heart implode  
And I’m breaking out  
Escaping now  
Feeling my faith erode”

The song ended and they stared at each other across the room,  Spencer not seeing anything else but Kay and her standing on the stage her chest heaving not looking at anyone else.  It took her a moment to snap out of it, shaking her head and plastering a smile on her face as the applause died down. 

“Wow, that was intense…. I kinda feel that I’ve watched something I shouldn’t have.” Garcia whispered to Morgan. Spencer not really taking their words in but just watching Kay, waiting to see if she’d come over. 

She did, speaking to her brother, Spencer saw Jake glance over in his direction giving him a quick nod. Kay grabbed her bag from the side of the stage before making her way through the crowd and greeting Spencer with a small hug. 

When she pulled away from him, Reid could see his colleagues eyes almost bulging out of their sockets. 

“Hi” Her voice was quiet and slightly raspy from the effort of singing for so long. 

“Hi” Spencer was equally as quiet, his eyes drawn to her lips. 

“Erm hello…. You gonna introduce us?” Derek waved his hand in front of Spencers face. 

Not looking away from her,  he spoke  "Kay, Derek and Penelope.“

She turned to his friends quickly giving them a wave and a nice to meet you before turning back to him and nodding her head discreetly towards the exit. 

Did she feel it too? His craving, his need for…. Something, anything. He nodded feeling her take his hand and pull him away offering "I need Spencers help with something”  as an explanation to his friends. 

He caught the gobsmacked look on Penelopes face and the shit eating grin on Dereks as he followed her through the crowds and out of the door. 

The walk home was brisk, the night air cool against his skin but not helping control the heat that he could feel coursing through his veins. Spencer was trying to silence the voice in the back of his head that was telling him that what he wanted to do to her was so wrong, when every fibre in his body was telling him that it would be so right. 

They made it down the alley way and through her main door, Spencer beginning to feel like he would die if he didn’t kiss her soon. He barely gave her chance to turn the lock and open the door, before he leaned down, crashing his mouth to hers, his body finally winning control over his mind. 

She kicked the door shut behind her dropping her bag and keys where she stood as her arms locked around his neck, hands burying into his hair. The only reaction he felt was one of intense pleasure as she teased the base of his neck with her fingers whilst moving her lips against his. 

He pushed her back against her door, her head hitting against the wood a soft “oh”  catching in her throat. 

“Sorry” He muttered into her mouth pushing his body flush against hers feeling her soft curves against him. Her tongue slipped out, running across his bottom lip as his hands roamed her body wanting to feel every inch of her. 

He parted his lips his tongue coming out to meet hers, the sweet taste of cherry cola in her mouth as she angled her head to the right, standing on her tip toes in order to keep kissing him. 

Pulling away from him suddenly, she suddenly seemed aware of the huge difference between what they done eleven days ago and what was happening now.

“Are you sure?” She breathed out looking him in the eyes, her own eyes scorching, biting her lip as she waited for his response. 

His head was still telling him that it was too soon and that it shouldn’t be her this was happening with. But the throbbing in his groin had taken over all conscious thoughts and he nodded, lowering his mouth back down to her neck this time, wanting to taste her skin. 

She smelt of coconut and lemons and all things that were good in the world, her skin tasting of salt as his licked and sucked his way down the side of her throat. She moaned, the sound sending chills down Spencers spine. 

His hands moved to her shirt, almost tearing the buttons in his haste to get them open. Kays own hands mirroring his efforts on his own button down. Feeling the last button pop open, his pushed it down and off her back and then reaching for the bottom of her vest. 

“Bedroom Spencer, we can’t do this in here.”

She pushed him away, his body already missing the heat of her skin, his head buzzing as he followed her to her room, her slipping out of her shoes as she went. 

Pushing her door shut behind him, he grabbed her by the waist pulling her close to him and backing her up against her dressing table, kicking his own shoes off.  Reaching for the bottom of vest again he yanked it upwards of over her head, Kay shaking her hair free as it caught on her top. 

God she was beautiful. Creamy white skin and full breasts encased in a lacy black bra. He watched as she reached behind her back unhooking it, his breath hitching in his throat as her breasts spilled free. She pushed his own shirt off and to the ground before pressing her chest to his, feeling the soft peaks of her nipples against him. 

He was struggling to contain himself now, desperately needing some form of release and she sensed this, moving her hand to his thighs and pressing it to his already hard length, the sensation of another persons touch sending a spasm through his body. 

She began to stroke him through the frabric of his trousers, him groaning at the friction, his thoughts starting to feel hazy. His hands moved to his belt buckle fumbling with it, his pants now uncomfortably tight. When Kay realised what he was doing, she moved her own hands to his moving them away, doing the job for him and pushing his bottoms to the floor. Spencer reached for her skirt, dragging it down pulling the leggings and her panties with it.

They stood there standing bare in front of each other, taking each other in. He needed her, more than he could remember ever needing anything this much before.

Lunging forward he pressed himself against her, moving his hands to her smooth supple cheeks and lifting her onto the edge of her dresser. He used his leg to push her thighs apart, feeling the damp heat of her already. Her own breathing ragged she pulled him close, dragging her fingers up and down his back.

He knew he should wait longer, but he wanted her now. Needed her now. 

“Do I need to….erm..” He whispered, his words shaky as he suddently realised he didn’t have any form of protection.

“No, it’s fine. Pill.” Her own words were breathy as she placed her hand between them, gripping his erection and guiding him towards her entrance.

He pushed inside slowly, the warmth drawing a low groan from his throat. Kay’s legs locked around his hips as he started to move inside of her, soft gasps leaving her lips as she gripped his shoulders tightly. He moved his mouth to her neck again, biting and sucking at the skin as he built his momentum, moving his hands to her back raking them up and down her hot skin, feeling her juddering at his touch.

He was drunk on the sensation of her locked around him, his head filled with the sounds of her sweet moans as he pushed in and out of her feeling her own hand move between her legs to rub herself where he, rather selfishly  wasn’t. He couldn’t think about anything other than the feeling that was building inside him right now.  

Digging his fingers into her soft skin he moved faster, the sound of the dresser hitting the wall was like a pendulem. Her gasps grew louder as she worked herself and the feeling of her growing tighter around him was enough to push him to the edge. His orgasm spilled loose as he bit down hard on her shoulder hearing her cry out, not sure if it was in pain or pleasure. Her own fingers kept moving between them as his movements stilled, his arms gripping the edge of the dresser to keep himself from collasping with exertion. Minutes later he heard the sounds of her breaths catching in her throat, her legs shaking and and skin flushing red. His eyes moved to her face watching her pink lips part, feeling the warm air escaping her mouth in gasps as she bought herself to her end, her eyes closed as she did.

They moved wordlessly to her bed afterwards, Kay quickly slipping off to her en-suite bathroom to clean up then climbing into bed next to him still naked. Spencer fell almost immediately into a blissfull dreamless sleep.

He awoke a few hours later his body sore and aching. He rolled over seeing that Kay had kicked the covers off in her sleep, her goddess like form lying next to him as she slept soundly.

Instead of seeing the pale white skin he’d kissed and devoured earlier, all he could see were angry red lines down her back. Scratch marks, some looking like blood had been drawn.

Dark bruises that matched the outlines of his hands on her hips and purple, mottled bite marks on her neck.

He did that. He’d hurt her.

Hurt her trying to make himself feel good. 

Oh god.

He bolted from the bed, pulling his clothes on as quickly as he could.

Seeing a notebook and pen on the floor by the dresser, its contents strewn everywhere, he scrawled a quick note before hurrying out of her apartment.

“I’m sorry, Last night was a huge mistake


	4. Starlight

You awoke the next morning feeling sore but satisfied. Last night had been intense, the pair of you seemingly going from nought to sixty in a ridiculously short period of time. 

You blamed your song choice. Hysteria had always caused a reaction in you. You adored the song but you couldn’t listen to it whilst driving as it made you speed, there was just something about it that evoked something from within you. 

Now apparently you couldn’t sing it whilst in a room with certain people. The music had obviously triggered the same feelings in Spencer as well, as you’d barely made it back to your apartment before he’d started tearing at your clothes. 

You ached all over your back and neck, sore from where Spencer had done a number on you. You’d enjoyed it, the memory of your interactions making heat pool between your thighs again. Rolling over, you wondered if he’d be up for round two. 

The bed was empty beside you, rumpled sheets indicating a hasty exit. Sitting up you reached on the floor for your dressing gown, noting the mess on the floor by your dressing table. Where was he?

Climbing out of bed you spotted a piece of paper on your desk, unfamiliar writing. Okay, so he’d left a note. 

“I’m sorry. Last night was a huge mistake.”

What? 

You’d expected apprehension from him, maybe even guilt over Maeve. But you’d never once been referred to as a mistake. 

Searching for your phone you remembered dropping your bag in the living room. You drew your dressing gown close, creeping through the living seeing that Ally or Jake had picked your stuff up and placed it on the couch. 

Finding your phone you searched for Spencers number, calling him. It rang out. 

You hit redial it ringing again and then being directed to voicemail. He’d cancelled your call. 

“Are you fucking kidding me Spencer? Call me back. I get you feel guilty about Maeve but we can talk about it. Call me back.”

Pulling a bottle of water out of the fridge, you climbed back into bed for a few hours, eventually drifting back off to sleep. 

When you awoke again, he still hadn’t called back. You tried him again being diverted automatically to answer phone. 

Screw this. Getting dressed, you drove over to his apartment building. You knew where he lived but not what number. Annoyingly, his name wasn’t on any of the mail boxes. Shit. 

You text him again “I’m outside your building Spencer. Let me in. We need to talk.” Perching yourself on the steps, you waited for an hour calling him every few minutes. 

If it was any other guy that had ran out on you, you wouldn’t be bothered. But you knew that last night had to have been a big deal for him. And the fact that he’d referred to it as a mistake frustrated and upset you. 

You gave up, needing to go to work and thinking maybe he’d come in later to see you. Maybe he just needed time to think, to sort through the emotions going through his head. 

You remembered back to the first time you’d have sex after Adam. The act itself had been fine, but you’d locked yourself in your bedroom for two straight days afterwards. You’d cried, angry with yourself for actually feeling something close to pleasure with someone else, and for the briefest of moments, forgetting. 

In the end, Jake had busted your bedroom door down dragging his guitar into the room with him and just strumming melodies until you stopped crying and began to hum along. You two had always shared a close bond and you knew he was hurting that you’d pushed him away when all he wanted to do was take care of his baby sister. That was nearly two years ago, and it was that moment when you realised that music was going to be your saviour. Your humming had turned into singing, Jake picking up the tune quickly and together you’d sung your moms favorite song, Landslide. 

Spencer didn’t come to the bar that night. Nor did he turn up the night after that, or the one after that. You’d sent him at least fifty messages, calling him ten times a day. Five days passed and you finally accepted that he wasn’t going to pick up to you. Whatever was going through his head was too much for him to share with you. He didn’t want your help, didn’t want you. You’d been a mistake….. You’d never been anyone’s mistake. Never thought you would be. 

It was your Uncles sixtieth birthday party this weekend and you and Jake were going home for it. You’d agreed to drive separately,  you had some things at the bar to sort out and your Aunt Lil had demanded that Jake arrive early to help with the marquee. 

Sat in the backroom filling out next week’s order form, you were just about finished at reading to go when the owner Ben poked his head round the door. He was working this weekend with Ally in order to allow both you and Jake time off together. 

“Kay there’s a guy here asking for you.”

Spencer. It had to be. 

“Cool. Orders done and placed boss. Delivery on Wednesday.”

“Boss… That’s funny. You run this place better than I do. Have you thought anymore about my offer?”

“I still don’t know Ben, it’s a big step." 

"Well think about it some more, you know they’d all help you. Have a good weekend away babe. Tell your folks I said hey. Oh and take that bottle of Scotch I bought for your Uncle.”

“I will. Thanks Benj.” You stood up, giving him a peck on the cheek, and heading out to greet your friend ready to rip him a new one for ignoring you. 

It wasn’t Spencer. 

It was his friend Morgan, sat in a booth close to the door. 

“Kay right?”

You nodded. Had something happened to Reid? 

“Have you spoke to Spencer at all this week?”

You slid into the booth opposite him. “No I haven’t, not since the night you all saw me sing. It’s Derek Morgan isn’t it? What’s happened.”

“He came into work the day after in a foul mood with everyone, acting like a little bitch. Then when our boss, Hotch called him out on a it, he broke down crying. Hotch sent him home and now he’s not answering my calls or opening his door. I’m worried about him.”

“Me too, but he’s not answering to me either. I’ve called, sent messages, I’ve even been to his building but I don’t know which number he lives at.”

“Kay, what’s going on with you too. What are you to each other, cos I gotta say me and Garcia were surprised as fuck when you two left together the other night.”

“Derek it’s not my place to say. But whatever we were to each other, I’m not sure we are now.”

“But you’re the reason he’s been opening up recently right, the reason we’ve been able to see a tiny trickle of the old Spencer.”

You nodded. “I was helping him, or trying to at least.”

“So what did you do to him. Cos when he came into work he was a mess again. Like he was when she was first killed. Somethings caused that. What did you do to my friend?" 

"What did I do?” You were taken aback by what was feeling like an attack. 

“Yes, what did you do? He’s not mentioned you to any of us and the day after you leave with him, he comes in a mess and reverts back to the state we’d all hoped was long gone. You had something to do with that. Did you dump him? Decide he wasn’t good enough for you or something?”

“Leave.”

“What?”

“Get out Morgan.”

The man sat across from you seemed to realise he’d touched a nerve, shifting awkwardly in his seat.

“I just wanna know what’s happened with him.”

“And you assume that I must have done something to upset him. What about him upsetting me eh? What about what he did to me?”

“What did he do?”

Fuck it. You shouldn’t tell him but you did. “Sleep with me and then leave without any explanation apart from a note calling it a mistake. And now he won’t take my calls or respond to my messages and like I said, I don’t know his apartment number,but even if I did I doubt he’d see me.”

Morgan looked shocked, not saying anything for a moment. “Erm, so are you two together?”

“No. I was helping him with some issues." 

"By having sex with him?”

You shook your head. “it wasn’t like that. That was the first time we did that.”

The Agent studied you for a minute before clearing his throat.“You have feelings for him.”

Not a question, a statement. You didn’t answer, not trusting yourself to. 

“Do you have somewhere you need to be? I know his apartment number. We’ll go together.”

It was noon and you didn’t technically have to be at your Aunt and Uncles until later anyway. Your things were already packed in your car ready to go. 

“I’ll meet you outside his building.”

Ten minutes later and you were there, following Morgan up the stairs and stopping outside a door. Morgan knocked. 

“Reid, you there?”

No answer. Morgan pulled out his cell dialing, you could hear the ring tone on the other side of the door. 

“Kid, open up. We’re worried about you.”

Still nothing  

You tried. “Spencer open up please. We need to know you’re okay.”

Nope.

“Reid don’t make me bust your door down.”

You glanced at Morgan wondering if he’d really do it. 

A muffled “Go away.” from the other side of the door. 

“Not gonna happen Kid. Let us in.”

Still not movement to unlock the door. 

You hated yourself for what you did next, knowing you’d never actually do this but hoping that it would make him open up. 

“Spencer open the door or I’ll drive to the nearest police station and tell them you hurt me the other night.”

Morgan looked at you shocked and you felt ashamed at resorting to such low measures. 

But it worked and you heard the lock turned and the door opening. 

“I did hurt you Kay. I’m so sorry.”

Spencer stood in front of you in sweats and a tee shirt, a ratty dressing gown wrapped over his clothes.  His eyes were red and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. Scruff covered his jaw and his hair was wild. 

Is that why he’d ran off, because he thought he’d hurt you. Admittedly you’d woken up very sore and bruised, but you’d always bruised easily. If he’d physically hurt you or done anything you’d been uncomfortable with he’d have known about it. 

“You didn’t hurt me Spencer. Not physically at least. The running out and calling me a mistake hurt me. And then refusing to talk to me.” Your voice was flat and emotionless. You were angry with him still. 

Derek glanced between you both, perhaps sensing that this was a conversation he shouldn’t be privy to. “Kay, here’s my card. Call me if you need me. Spencer, kid. Stop shutting us all out. I don’t know exactly what is going on between you two, but it’s obvious to anyone that something is. Talk to the girl. Or talk to us.”

Spencer nodded at his colleague and Derek turned to leave, handing over his card to you before he did. 

“Let me in Spencer.”

He moved out of the way and you pushed passed him into his apartment. The shades were drawn and the room was a mess. A blanket crumpled up on the couch. Books were strewn everywhere, almost as if they’d been thrown around the room in anger. A desk in the corner, papers scattered over the surface and trailing across the floor. You spotted an empty bottle of Jack Daniels amidst the mess, a tumbler lying empty on its side. 

“Spencer are you drunk?” He didn’t seem it, but the bottle was empty. 

“Not now, no. All I am now is hungover.”

You picked you way across the room to his couch, carefully stepping over items before sitting down. 

“I’ve never been referred to as a mistake before and I’m not going to start now. Explain yourself. Why did you leave?”

He was quiet for a minute before answering, you not getting the answer you’d expected. 

“I thought I’d injured you. You were lying there covered in bruises and marks that I’d made. And I felt terrible. I hurt you, whilst making myself feel good. I used you. I don’t do that. It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I shouldn’t have done that all. It wasn’t right.”

You patted his couch beside you, indicating for him to sit with you. He hesitated but followed suit. 

“I’m angry at you Spencer. For leaving without explanation. I thought that you’d left because you were feeling guilty about her. That you’d regretted what we’d done.”

“I do feel guilty, I feel terrible. But at the same time, I enjoyed it. It did make me feel good. For those few moments it was like nothing else mattered in the world except us, and that we were the only two people in it. It was only afterwards when I saw what I’d done to you, I panicked. And then when I came home, the memories of Maeve came flooding back. I was angry with myself for forgetting her and angry with myself for hurting you.”

You needed to tread carefully now with what you wanted to say, or else it was going to come out as very insensitive. 

“Firstly Spencer. You didn’t hurt me. Yes it was a bit rough and unexpected for our first time together but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. If I’d have been in pain then you would have known. Pain do not get me off.”

“Secondly. You say the memories of her came flooding back. What memories exactly?……. Because I know that you didn’t have any physical relations with Maeve so therefore you couldn’t have anything to remember. Or are you referring to the memories of the visions you’ve created in your head? The things that’s didn’t happen and never will?”

You knew you were being harsh now but you couldn’t help yourself.

“Spencer tell me now if you were imagining her when you were fucking me? Did you picture her face when you were scratching the shit out of my back, marking my skin with your mouth? Because I’ll tell you one thing, not once during it did I think of Adam. Not during that. Because he’s not here and he never will be again. But you are. You are here. And I’m here. So tell me. Where you wishing I was her?”

He didn’t speak and you felt that was enough of an answer. You stood ready to leave.

……

Had he been wishing she was Maeve? 

No. 

In fact he hadn’t thought about Maeve at all. It was only afterwards. 

Kay was right. He and Maeve hadn’t had anything physical, and they never would because she wasn’t here. But this girl, this beautiful girl who had spent weeks helping him overcome his issues was here. The girl who he’d poured his heart out to. The girl whose eyes were all he’d been able to see when he closed his, whose voice had been all he could hear. 

The girl who was stood ready to walk out of his life. 

“Don’t go.” He pleaded. 

“Then answer the question Spencer.”

“I wasn’t wishing you were her. I swear.” She sat back down. 

“Kay, if you give your heart to someone and they die, do you think they take it with them?”

She shook her head.“No. I think they take the love that you had for them with them but your heart will always remain with you. You can never give your heart away Spencer, only love. The love that you have for someone will always be there. But you can also generate new love. New feelings. For someone else. If you want to. But you have to be willing, and not lock yourself away. It doesn’t make you a bad person for moving on.”

He understood then what he’d failed to comprehend previously. For all his brains and knowledge of the world, he was a novice when it came to matters of the heart and love. 

Here was a girl who lost her partner of five years sat telling him that it was okay to love again, okay to want to be with someone else. He’d known Maeve for a fraction of that time. If Kay could move on, then so could he.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

She nodded at him. “Don’t shut me out Spencer. I know none of this is easy for you, but I can only help you if you let me.”

“I know, thank you. For not giving up on me. And…..you promise I didn’t hurt you?" 

"Not physically no. But maybe….. If that does happen again, we should slow it down.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both wondering if it was something they wanted to happen again, both knowing that they did and questioning what that meant for them. 

“Do you have anywhere you need to be this weekend?”

Spencer shook his head. Hotch had allowed him to take some vacation time, when he’d told his supervisor that he was having issues again and needed some time away. He hardly ever used his accrued holiday anyway. 

“Have a shower and and shave please and pack a bag. With something smart to wear.”

“Why? Where are we going.”

“Home. Well to my Aunts and Uncles. It’s his sixtieth and they’re throwing a huge party tomorrow. It will be good for you to get out. Plus I don’t really feel right leaving you alone right now but I have to go.”

“You want to take me home to your family?” Panic seeping into his voice. 

“Chill the fuck out Spencer. It’s not you’re being introduced as a boyfriend or anything. Just a friend. Cos that’s what we are right. Friends.”

Spencer nodded, getting up and following her instructions. In the back of his mind the word friends stuck. Was that really all they were to each other? He’d never been in this situation before, having a friend who he’d slept with. 

What he felt was more than friendship but could he really be feeling that now? 

Would he allow himself to feel that right now?

And if he could, would it be reciprocated?

Probably not, Kay could have anyone she wanted. 

Yet she was still here and hadn’t given up on him even when he’d been a complete bastard to her and shut her out. 

….. 

They drove in comfortable silence listening to another of Kays CDs. 

“Far away  
This ship has taken me far away  
Far away from the memories  
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight  
I will be chasing a starlight  
Until the end of my life  
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore”

Spencer looked over at Kay, watching her lips moving to the words as she concentrated on the road ahead. 

“Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms

My life  
You electrify my life  
Let’s conspire to reignite  
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I’ll never let you go  
If you promise not to fade away  
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations  
Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms

Far away  
This ship has taken me far away  
Far away from the memories  
Of the people who care if I live or die”

She seemed to sense him watching her and glanced over at him, a gentle blush playing on her cheeks. He’d been staring intently. She grinned. 

“I’ll never let you go  
If you promise not to fade away  
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations  
Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations”

Spencer took a deep breath, reaching out and taking the hand that was resting gently on the gear shift between them. Her eyes flicked back over to his as the song played out. 

“Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms  
I just wanted to hold. ”


	5. Feeling Good

The drive to Kays home took around an hour and a half and as they approached, Spencer felt a sense of confusion. 

“I thought you said you grew up on a farm?“ 

The land they were approaching didn’t seem very farm like. 

"It was a working farm originally, but we used to get people asking all the time if we had anywhere to stay. The surrounding area is so pretty and there’s a walking trail that passes right by. We eventually had the idea to convert some of the out buildings so now it’s more of a bed and breakfast. They still have some animals but they’re more for show than anything. They make more money off they bed and breakfast than they did the actual farm, and it’s less work for them.”

“So will there be other guests there this weekend?”

Kay shook her head at him, “No. When we knew we were going to throw a party we blocked off the entire weekend so family could have a place to stay. You’ll have to share a room with either me or Jake though.” She shot him a sideways glance tying to gage his reaction. 

“I’ll share with you if that’s okay. I’ll sleep on the floor or something.”

“Spencer considering what we did the other night, I’m fairly certain we can share a bed.”

Kay turned onto a long paved drive, pulling into a parking area a few minutes later. Spencer could see a huge white marquee erected in a field. The estate look huge, a large farmhouse across the yard and various out buildings. He could even see a sign pointing towards a pool.

“Leave the bags in the car. We’ll go find my Aunt and find out where we’re sleeping.” Kay had called from the car to let her Aunt know she was bringing company. She led the way across the yard to the farm house, pushing open a large wooden door. 

“Lil?” She called out, her voice echoing in the hall. 

“Kitchen.” A voice very similar to Kays own but older, rang out and Kay led the way towards it. 

They found her stood in the kitchen watching the outside activities from the window, with an mug in her hand. The smell of coffee filling in the room. Kay ran towards the woman wrapping her arms around her shoulders, her brown hair mixing with the blonde of the older women’s. She looked to be in her mid fifties, dressed in jeans and a checked shirt, feet encased in sturdy looking boots. Although the hair colour was different, Spencer could see that they shared the same blue/violet eyes. 

“Oh I’ve missed you. Where is everyone?”

“I’ve missed you too darling. Your Uncle Sam and the men are out in the field fighting with laying the floor in that monster of a tent. Issy is supervising the kids in the pool. And your Aunt Marisa is setting up the barbecue ready for dinner.”

“We’re grilling out tonight? Awesome.”

“Well it just seemed easier. Now, introduce me to your friend, who you’ve told me absolutely nothing about.” Lil looked at Spencer intensely, her blue eyes searching his face. 

“This is Spencer.”

Spencer gave an awkward little wave. “Hi.”

“And how do we know Spencer, Kayden?”

“He’s a friend.”

Lil pursed her lips, staring at her niece, an unspoken dialogue between them. “Friends hmmm. Well I put you two in room eight anyway.”

Spencer saw Kays eyebrows raise.“Eight?" 

"There’s a couch in there, one of you can sleep on there.” She lifted a fob from a hook on the wall, tossing it to her niece. 

“There’s a couch in six too, but whatever. Spencer come on. I’ll introduce you to the rest of my family in a while.”

“Dinners in an hour.” Lil called as Spencer felt himself being dragged out of the room and back to the car. 

Collecting their bags, Kay led him to what he thought was a row of old stables that had clearly been converted. 

The end door had an iron 8 tacked onto the door and she fumbled with the lock pushing it open. 

“Our home from home, for the next two nights.”

Spencer could see why she’d pulled a face at her Aunt. 

“They do weddings here too.” She offered in explanation. 

The room was obviously some sort of honeymoon suite, twice as big in size as the others had looked from the outside. A huge bed jutting out from the centre of one wall and various pieces of wooden furniture dotted around the rest of the room. It was tastefully decorated and when he stepped inside the room he could see the ensuite leading off, a huge claw foot tub seated by a window and a walk in shower tucked away in one corner. 

“It’s nice.” Spencer managed, his voice strangled. 

“It’s very nice actually. I picked out the furniture for this room when they were decorating, so I’d go as far to say this room is awesome. Lil doesn’t mean anything by putting us in here by the way. When me and Jake moved out, she turned our old rooms into guest bedrooms so we don’t have our own rooms anymore. We don’t mind, we know this will always be our home.”

She set about unpacking her things, plugging in an ipod dock and switching some music on. Spencer watched her hanging up a dress bag inside the deep wooden wardrobe and started unpacking himself. 

When she was done she grabbed a towel and headed off into the bathroom, telling him she was going for a quick shower. She kicked the door shut behind her, the lock not catching and shutting properly . 

Spencer settled himself back on the bed just listening to the music through the speakers and hearing the sound of the shower switch on. Glancing over to the dresser he realised he could see into the bathroom where Kay hadn’t quite shut the door properly. 

Pulling himself off the bed he walked over to the door meaning to close it properly but instead finding himself staring at the vision in front of him. 

The shower door wasn’t frosted like most would be, presumably because this room was usually given to newlyweds and Spencer had a perfect view of Kays naked body, water sluicing down her creamy white skin as she washed her hair, eyes closed. 

His breath caught in his throat and he quickly shut the door, praying to whatever entities existed that she didn’t hear the lock click. 

When she emerged twenty minutes later wrapped in a towel and sitting on the bed across from him whilst she applied moisturiser to her skin, he was sure he was going to explode. 

“Spence, you’ve gone red.”

“Yep.” He shifted on the bed, feeling his cheeks flushing. Did she seriously not know the effect she could have on people. 

“Why?”

“Because you’re pretty much naked.” His voice was low and he really wanted to stop looking at her but he couldn’t. His eyes were drawn to the almost faded mark on her neck from where his teeth had been. 

“I don’t recall you going red the other night when you saw me completely naked.” Was she mocking him? 

She winked and stood up reaching for a change of clothes and standing with her back to him. 

Dropping her towel completely she bent over, stepping into her underwear and pulling it up her legs, the fabric settling around the curves of her butt. 

Spencer watched her dress herself in awe, thinking how completely backwards the situation was. He couldn’t take his eyes of her as her delicate fingers played with the clasp of her bra pulling the hook and eye together. He didn’t want to forget the image of the way her hair fell when she pulled her vest over her head, tugging on her damp hair and pulling it through the neck. Or the way her leg muscles stretched as she dragged her skin tight jeans on. 

She blasted her hair quickly with a blow dryer, Spencer using the moment to quickly think of the most mundane things he could in an effort to calm himself down. He still couldn’t believe that he was having these sorts of thoughts about another girl, when he’d been convinced that all hope for him ever getting over Maeve was lost. 

Kay slipped on a pair of ballet flats, flicking the music off and reaching her hand out to him. “Ready?" 

"Ready.”

….. 

You had no idea what caused you to drop your towel in front of Spencer, normally you weren’t as bold. But hearing the sound of his ragged breathing and the feel of his gaze burning into your back had certainly made you question what exactly was going on between you two

You took him to meet the rest of your family, noticing the appreciating look both your Aunt Marisa and your cousin Issy had given him. He fell into an easy conversation with your Uncle Sam, Jake and Issys husband Dan once you’d mentioned he was a FBI, you feeling impressed by the difference in his demeanor towards them. Compared to the Spencer you’d met all those weeks ago, this was a completely different guy. His stance was more relaxed and open as he ate and chatted away and he was actually smiling and laughing. 

When Issys daughter Ella had gone up to him asking if she could play with his hair, he’d lifted her onto his lap just giggling with her. It was adorable and you couldn’t help but smile at them. 

“So spill Kay.” Your cousin and your two Aunts noticing your glances at him and tugging you off to one side. 

“There’s nothing to spill Iss.”

“Bullshit Kayden May. I might not have your little superpower but even I could pick up on the tension between you when you came in earlier.” Lil was eyeing him up. “I can see the attraction but I’m surprised. He’s not your usual type." 

Issy and Marisa both looking over at him and nodding in agreement. 

"Okay one, stop looking over at him like he’s on display. And two, we’re just friends.”

“A friend that you’ve bought home to meet your family. A friend that keeps looking at you like you’re the only girl in the world.”

Did he? 

“I’m getting another drink.” You walked back to the house, there was drinks in a cooler outside but you wanted a reason to escape. 

Entering the kitchen and burying your head in the huge fridge you felt a tap on your shoulder. 

Lil. 

“It’s okay you know. He’d want you to be happy.”

You shook your head at your Aunt, “Please don’t.”

“Spencer seems nice and he looks like he genuinely cares for you. Not many guys would let Ella loose on their hair.”

“Not many guys have hair long enough for Ella to be let loose on. Plus, he’s got his own issues." 

"Okay. Just….. Don’t be scared Kayden. I know you’ve seen other guys since, but you’ve never bought one home. This seems different.”

“Maybe.”

You walked back outside to rejoin everyone else, you sitting next to Spencer and handing him a beer. 

The rest of the evening was pleasant, conversation and laughter filling the warm air. When it got to 11pm, your Aunt and Uncle called it a night, heading off to bed siting the fact that tomorrow was going to be a busy day as their reason. 

You agreed with them telling Spencer that you were going to head off to, the earlier emotion in the day having taken its toll on you. He could stay out, you offered, knowing that Jake and Dan would probably continue drinking. He should head standing up and following you. 

You returned to your room silently changing into your bedclothes and climbing into the bed, Spencer hesitating before drawing the covers back on his side. 

“It’s just a bed Spencer, you can sleep on the couch if you’d prefer.”

“No, no. It’s fine….. I’m just not really used to sharing a bed is all. It doesn’t happen very often. ”

He climbed in besides you, adjusting his pillows and then hitting the lights off. 

After laying in silence for a few minutes you spoke quietly. Something had been on your mind all day. “Spencer, this exposure therapy thing. I’m not really sure what more there is for us to do.”

“But you said yours had taken months?" 

"Mine did yeah…. But you were fine around me and my family today. And you don’t flinch when I touch you anymore.” To prove your point you felt for his hand under the blanket, slipping your palm into his. No reaction other than a warm squeeze. “We’ve done everything. Hugging, kissing…… Fuc…." 

He cut you off "Don’t say that word please. I hate it in reference to that sometimes.”

“Huh. Why?" 

You could feel him shifting on the bed in the dark. "Because it seems so crude in relation to what we did. And casual, like you picked me up in a bar or something.”

Giggling you said “Well I kinda did if you think about it. Spencer it’s not like we ‘made love’ or anything…. I’ve not slept with anyone for that reason since Adam. It’s just fucking. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but it is what it is.”

He pulled his hand away from yours then and you realised you’d offended him. But why? 

“Spencer……”

“Was that all it was to you then Kay? A casual fuck?” His voice pained. 

No. It wasn’t. But you didn’t know how to tell him that when you could barely admit it to yourself. 

“Now you’ve cured me, am I free to go now? If fucking was the last item on the list then we’ve achieved that right? My therapy must be over.”

“You’re free to go anytime you want to Spence. But I hope you don’t. I hope you don’t ever decide to go.” That was as much as you dared say at the moment. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m not going to ask you to stay, but you’re my friend. And I’m closer to you than I’ve been with anyone for a while. I don’t want to lose that.”

You felt his hand reach for yours again as he whispered “Me neither.”

…

The next day was ridiculously busy, everyone working none stop preparing the marquee and showing your other family members to their rooms as they arrived. When everything was finally ready  you sloped off to your room to bathe and get ready. You had a bath first, carefully shaving your legs and making sure your hair was properly washed. 

When you’d finished, you pulled a dressing gown over yourself and went back into the bed room to do your hair and make up. You wore your hair loose with light curls at the bottom, pinned back behind on ear with a small rose clip and pulled over your left shoulder. You finished your make up as Spencer went to shower himself, taking the tux that you’d make him bring into the bathroom with him. Smokey eyes and red lip stick completed the look as you set about pulling your dress on. 

Tonight’s dress code was formal and you’d bought a new dress especially. Long and a deep red with a split up one side. You were fumbling with the zip behind you went you heard the bathroom door open. 

“Erm… Wow." 

"Haha thanks. But can you help? I can’t get the zip up.”

You felt warm hands on your back as he zipped you up, his fingers lingering on the dip between your shoulder blades after. You twirled around to give him the full effect, seeing him nodding at you.

“You look beautiful Kay.”

“And you look rather dapper yourself Dr Reid. Very 007. You’ll drive the ladies wild tonight.”

He blushed as you pulled on your heels, reaching for your evening bag. 

“Ready?”

He held out the crook of his arm for you and nodded 

The evening itself was a resounding success. So many members of your family had arrived and your Uncle Sam was overwhelmed with the turnout, not realising Lil had managed to make contact with so many of his friends. 

The food was amazing, and the band they’d hired were incredible. A group of five men belting out a mixture of hits ranging from good old Motown, Rock, and Disco tunes to a cover of the current number one. 

Sam had asked you and Jake to perform during the interval and went up to introduce you both whilst the band took a break. 

You and Jake had chosen a few songs you knew your Uncle loved, and set about singing, watching people getting up to dance. 

The crowd slowed as you began your second to last song, and you spotted a tear in your Aunts eye as you and Jake harmonised on your mother’s favourite song.

“I took my love, and I took it down  
I climbed a mountain, and I turned around  
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills  
‘Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?  
Can the child within my heart rise above?  
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?  
Can I handle the seasons of my life?  
Mm mm I don’t know, no uh uh I don’t know

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’  
'Cause I built my life around you  
But time makes you bolder  
Children get older  
And I’m getting older too, oh yes  
I’m getting older too”

You gulped down your own emotions as the song finished, searching for Spencer at the table you’d both been sat at seeing him smiling at you. 

Jake had chosen the finale song weeks ago and you’d been excited to sing it, knowing your Uncle had loved the original and you loved the cover. You’d spoken to one of the band members over the phone when you’d found out who your Aunt had hired, and they’d agree to accompany you both on the keyboard and drums, Jake borrowing an electric guitar for the night. 

They began playing, the opening notes of the keyboard quiet and unassuming and then the drum and guitar kicking in after the first chorus.  

“Birds flying high  
You know how I feel  
Sun in the sky  
You know how I feel  
Reeds driftin’ on by  
You know how I feel

It’s a new dawn  
It’s a new day  
It’s a new life

For me

And I’m feeling good  
I’m feeling good

Fish in the sea  
You know how I feel  
River running free  
You know how I feel  
Blossom on the tree  
You know how I feel

It’s a new dawn  
It’s a new day  
It’s a new life

For me

And I’m feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know  
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean  
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that’s what I mean

And this old world is a new world  
And a bold world  
For me  
For me

Stars when you shine  
You know how I feel  
Scent of the pine  
You know how I feel  
Oh freedom is mine  
And I know how I feel

It’s a new dawn  
It’s a new day  
It’s a new life

For me

And I’m feeling good”

It wasn’t often you were left breathless after a performance but this was one of the times you definitely were. Your family and your Uncles friends rose to their feet applauding you and your brother, your Aunt and Uncle wrapping you both in a bear hug exclaiming how brilliant it was. 

As you made your way back to Spencer the band started back up again, playing another one of your favourite songs, one that your mother had played for you when you were small. 

“Dance with me, please?” You asked him taking hold of his wrists and tugging him to his feet. You were certain he was going to refuse but instead he nodded and let you lead him to the dance floor. 

Linking your arms around his neck and feeling his hands settle in the small of your back you both begin to sway gently to the music, you resting your head against his chest as the song went on. 

“They asked me how I knew   
My true love was true  
I of course replied   
Something here inside cannot be denied  
They said "someday you’ll find all who love are blind”  
When your heart’s on fire,   
You must realize, smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed   
To think they could doubt my love  
Yet today my love has flown away,   
I am without my love (without my love)

Now laughing friends deride  
Tears I cannot hide  
So I smile and say   
When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes.“


	6. Bliss

They danced together for the rest of the night, Kay extremely surprised at the way he spun her around to the faster songs, them both in fits of laughter as they mouthed the lyrics to the songs they both knew at each other. 

The band had finished at around midnight and most of the party goers started trailing off. Jake hooked his ipod up to the speakers for the remaining folk, him, Dan and Issy coming to join Kay and him on the dance floor and wrapping their arms around them both as they swayed and sung along to “We are Young”.

The music changed again, Kay glancing at Spencer as a slower song came over the sound system. Issy and Dan broke off to dance with each other and Jake pulling his Aunt Marisa into an embrace. 

Spencer reached for Kay again pulling her close to him and feeling her arms link around his neck once more as they moved together. 

“Something in your eyes  
Makes me want to lose myself  
Makes me want to lose myself  
In your arms

There’s something in your voice  
Makes my heart beat fast  
Hope this feeling lasts  
The rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been  
And how long i’ve been so alone  
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along  
And change my life the way you’ve done”

He couldn’t not look into her blue eyes as he listened to the lyrics, seeing her lips moving as she sung quietly along. 

“Feels like home to me  
Feels like home to me  
Feels like I’m all the way back where  
I come from

Feels like home to me  
Feels like home to me  
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong" 

She stared back not wavering at his gaze but smiling gently at him. He adjusted his grip moving them closer together; Kay resting her head on his shoulder as she continued to sing along. Spencer no longer hearing the actual artist, just her sweet voice. 

She pulled away from him again as the song ended, neither of them releasing their grips on the other. 

“Are you ready to go back to the room?” she asked finally, Spencer nodding at her. 

They slipped out of the marquee making their way back to their room, the moonlight and lanterns that had been put out lighting the way. 

Spencer could feel that pull towards her again, the one he’d been trying so hard not to think about in his head. They reached the door, Kay reaching into her little evening bag to unlock it and kicking off her shoes as she entered. 

“Thanks for coming here with me Spence. I know I didn’t really give you much choice but thank you all the same.”

He looked at her at that moment realising that he would go where ever she asked him to. He no longer felt the sense of guilt inside him that he had before. A line from one of the songs she’d made him listen to came into his mind. 

“You’re looking at me weird.”

“Am I?”

She nodded, walking over to her ipod and turning it on, the volume low. 

“Sorry, I just thought of a song lyrics that reminded me you of you that’s all. ‘Give me all the joy and peace in your mind’. ”

She raised an eyebrow at him and he continued.“I feel like that’s what you’ve done to me Kay. Given me all the peace, joy and hope that you have.”

She walked back over to him, leaning in and hugging him.“ Really?” She whispered. 

He wrapped his arms around her back, no longer scared to touch her as it no longer felt wrong, just something that he was meant to do all along. “Yeah.”

“Kay…. Can I kiss you again?“ 

She leaned back from his embrace slightly, reaching up on her tip toes only stopping to breathe "Yes” when her mouth was millimetres from his own. 

This kiss was light, their lips brushing against each others like the flutters of a butterflies wing. Slow and gentle and actually meaningful, Spencer could feel his heart beating so quickly. 

He moved his hand to her neck, cupping her chin, his finger brushing lightly on her cheek. 

She moved closer to him parting her lips to deepen this kiss as her hands moved into his hair, her body pressing against his. He could feel the beat of her own heart against his chest. She was nervous. 

They stood together, moving against each other and exploring the sweet tastes of each others lips and mouths. Spencer lowered his hand to Kays neck, his fingers grazing the shallow dip at the base and feeling a low moan vibrating from her. Snippets of the songs playing in the background barely registering in his mind.

“I tell my love to wreck it all  
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall”

She broke their kiss, taking his other hand and lifting it to her lips gently kissing his finger tips. She placed his hand onto her collar bone, looking up at him through lowered eyelashes. 

His fingers began to stroke the bone, feeling it hard against her warm skin. Kays own hands moving to his shirt, tugging his loose bow tie from around his neck and working her hands down his buttons. 

There was a particular spot on her neck which whenever his finger skated over, her eyes closed slightly, Spencer hearing a small intake of breath. 

“There’s a song that’s inside of my soul  
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again”

Spencer lowered his lips to her neck, his mouth aiming right for the spot that was causing the flush on her skin. She whimpered as his tongue flicked out, tasting the the hollow of her neck as her fingers trailed over his chest, his shirt now fully open.

Her hands teased up and down the sides of his torso her fingers moving over his stomach, ghosting over his chest, and down to the buttons of his trousers. 

Leaving her neck he kissed back up to her mouth, his own hands moving over her body, feeling her breasts through the thin fabric of her dress. 

She gasped as his palms glided over her nipples, her breath hot against his mouth. 

Kay pulled away, turning her back to him and slipping the straps of her dress down off her shoulders. He tugged at the zip at the back of the dress, watching it fall to the floor as she shimmied out of it before leaning back against his bare chest. He shrugged out of his shirt, his jacket abandoned long ago when they’d been dancing. 

Moving her hair to one side he began kissing her soft neck again, inhaling her scent and sucking the skin gently into his mouth. She took his hand into hers, pressing it against her bare breast, and Spencer had to stifle back a groan at the feel of her hard nipple beneath his hand. 

She moved her other hand back between them, stroking him over his trousers, a shudder breaking through him. 

A loud “Oh” echoed around the room as Spencer rolled her taut nipple between his fingers, the sound of her pleasure so sweet to his ears.  
….

This time felt so different to you. Spencers movements against you were slow and tender as opposed to the fast and furious grasping of last time. 

You stood there feeling his warm chest against your back as his fingers played with your breasts, further igniting the burning that you could feel between your thighs. Music playing as you caressed him through his trousers, rasps leaving both of your throats. 

“Everyone noticed everyone has seen the signs,  
I’ve always been known to cross lines.”

You arched your head back, his hair brushing against your skin as he nibbled at your shoulder, gentler than before. Placing your hand on his you dragged it down to your underwear hoping he’d get your hint. 

He did, his fingers slipping inside the fabric starting to circle your sensitive bundle slowly as you tightened your grip on him over his trousers hearing a low hiss from his mouth.

His tongue flicked out over the pulse on your neck and his fingers increased their movements on your causing you to gasp. He was just slightly to the left of where you really needed him to be, so you moved your hand back over his, adjusting him slightly.

“Just there, Spencer” You went to move your hand over but he spoke softly. “No. Help me.”

Okay,

You interlocked your fingers over his, guiding him in his movements over you, feeling more lightheaded by the moment. Your other hand had to stop its strokes on him and you reached your arm up around his neck, grasping onto him in order to keep yourself upright as you could feel your legs begin to shake.

“Like this?” His voice low and breathy as he pressed harder over your clit, rubbing faster, your grip on his hand loosening as he touched you just as you wanted. Just as you needed.

Your gasps were enough to reassure him and you dug your fingers into his neck as that familar wave of feelings began to crash over you.

“Spencer….fuuucck.” You cried out biting down on lip as you came, your orgasm shuddering through you, Spencer holding you close with his other arm. 

When your breathing had slowed, you turned back to him almost shyly, tilting your face up to his and capturing his mouth in another kiss.

“And I know the night is fading  
And I know the time’s gonna fly  
And I’m never gonna tell you everything I’ve gotta tell you  
But I know I’ve gotta give it a try”

You reached for the zipper on his trousers again, pulling it down and pushing his trousers and boxers off to the floor before leading him over to the bed and pulling him down onto it with you. Rolling onto your side you began to kiss his neck, flicking your tongue out over the shell of his ear as Spencer gripped your leg, pulling it over his hip. You could feel him, hard and pushing against the damp fabric of your underwear.

“You okay?” You whispered into his ear. 

“Hmmmmm.” He reached for your panties again, his fingers slipping under the edges and starting to tug. “Can I?”

You lifted your hips in response allowing him to pull them down  and off your legs, so that you were both completely naked.

Rolling onto your back, you pulled him on top of you so that his chest was pressing against your breasts, his hair falling into his eyes. He tried to shake it back, unsuccessfully. You reached up with your hand, pushing it back so that you could see into his hazel eyes.

You adjusted your postion under him, your legs falling open wider as his hand slipped between you positioning himself at your entrance, He looked at you silently asking permission and you nodded, biting down on your lip as he slowly pushed inside.

He began to move inside you, resting his forehead against yours as he filled you, his eyes starting to shut.

“No. Spencer please don’t close your eyes this time.” His movements stilled as he looked at you in confusion,

“I don’t want to think that you might be imagining anyone else.” You felt emotions rising in your chest and a tear escaping as you whispered your fear to him. You weren’t her. What if he still wanted her and not you.

“Kay. It’s you. Only you. I swear it.”

“Promise?”

He nodded, leaning in and kissing you slowly as he resumed his movements inside you.

….

Spencer couldn’t understand why she’d asked him that, he was the one who thought he should be worried about who she was thinking about. This gorgeous beautiful creature who lay beneath him had captured his soul over the last few weeks. Something he’d never thought possible after what had happened. The girl who was so perfect and could have anyone she wanted.

Yet as he moved inside of her, his head resting against hers and their eyes locked on each other it seemed that he was all she saw as well. Did she actually feel the same for him. Was that possible?

Kay reached out, her hand carressing his jaw tenderly as she raised her legs, tightening them around his waist.

He increased his pace, the room filled with the sounds of their panting, their mouths so close and their lips brushing without actually kissing, just breathing in each others air, swallowing down the gasps that escaped from the other.

He felt the throbbing pulsating through him as he neared his end, looking down into Kays eyes as his own orgasm built up inside him. She raised her head from the pillow, pressing her lips against his sweetly as he came, groaning against her mouth as he did. The emotion and connection he felt with her right now was overwhelming and he felt her hand on her his cheek wiping away something wet, a loving smile on her face as she did. It was only then that he realised it was a tear.

He collapsed on top of her, her arms wrapping around him and playing with his hair as he legs relaxed back down to the bed. After a few minutes of thinking, he spoke.

“Kay?”

“Hmmmmm.”

“Do you ever feel like you’ve been given a second chance at something?”

She was quiet for a moment, her fingers running softly through his curls.

“No. But I’ve felt like I’ve been given new chances. A chance at something different, that I hadn’t planned for, but that which could still be just as amazing, just in another way. I feel that way now with you Spencer.”

What she said just then summed up his feelings perfectly, yet she’d said it so much better.This wasn’t a second chance, it was a new chance.

“Me too, with you.”

They lay together for a while longer and he started to feel a gentle shaking under him, hearing a hitching of breath and as he glanced back up to her face he could see she was crying. 

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” He rolled off her onto his back pulling her to him and wrapping his arm around her. 

“It’s not you, you didn’t do anything bad. I’m just…. Oh god Spencer, I’m scared.”

Rubbing her back he could feel his own emotions starting to boil over.  "Scared?“ 

She nodded. "Up until now, sex for the last  three years has just been about making myself feel good. This feels different. And that terrifies me. I wasn’t expecting this, any of it.”

A sob left her chest as she buried her head into his chest, the sound of it causing his own tears to fall. 

“Kay. I’m scared too. I never thought I’d feel this way about one person, let alone another.”

They clung to each other tightly, their tears mingling with one another’s. Spencer pressed his lips to Kays gently wondering how a simple drink one night in a random bar had led to this build up of emotion. 

Eventually sleep overtook them, neither of their grasps on the other relaxing throughout the night.  
……


	7. Time Is Running Out

The next three weeks went by in a blur, Spencer spending as much time as he could with Kay, but due to him returning to work and being pulled away on cases it turned out not to be that much time at all. 

Still, he texted and called her as much as he could drawing curious looks from the rest of the team and causing Penelope and Morgan to grin widely when they’d asked if he was speaking to Kay. 

Spencer had found himself relaxing more around his team, even talking openly with Derek one evening in the hotel bar. 

“So when are you going to properly introduce her to the team Kid?”

“Introduce her? You’ve met her.“ 

"Yeah but it’s not like I spent much time with her. And you know Garcia is dying to get her hands on her. She’s so happy that you’ve got a girlfriend.”

Spencer found himself screwing up his mouth. Girlfriend? The term sounded so juvenile to him. 

“Reid, come on. She is your girlfriend right?”

“Erm, I guess?”

“You guess?”

“We’ve never really had that conversation.” It was true. The morning he’d woken up with Kay wrapped in his arms had been one of the happiest moments of his life, even despite their red eyes from the tears they’d shed together the night before.  But they still had never talked about what they were to each other, both only admitting that they were terrified of their feelings but not actually saying what they were. 

Spencer knew he was falling for her, but didn’t know how to tell her. Didn’t know how to tell anyone. This was different to what he’d felt for Maeve and now he realised he’d put her up on on pedestal. Their relationship had been a strange one, based on letters and telephone conversations, him only actually seeing her the once. 

Now he thought about it he wondered if he had really been as deep in love with her as he’d thought. How could he love someone he’d never touched, never held. Never even seen in person. Not that her physical appearance would have made a difference, what had attracted him to Maeve had been her brain. 

What attracted him to Kay though, was her everything. Aside from being beautiful, she was kind and smart. Not as smart as him but she was intelligent in different ways. He enjoyed explaining things to her, but he never felt as if he was having to dumb anything down for her. The way she made him feel when she was around him was the best part. She made him feel like a better version of himself. One that was strong, one that was actually worthy. The connection he felt to her was so strong and just being in the same room as her made him feel relaxed instantly. He felt…. At home. 

Pen had asked him what she was actually like one day when they’d been in her office and he struggle with words. How to describe someone who made his skin feel alive, who made him see the world in different colours, someone who could draw him to his knees with one look, or hit him in the pit of his stomach with one song. 

“She’s……like the rain.”

“The rain?”

“No, actually more like a storm. Like a storm you never knew you needed. The type that takes you completely by suprise but is the most beautiful thing in the sky. One that clears the air completely making the next day feeling so new and clean, so fresh. ”

“Oh Spencer.” Garcia had had gushed at him. “Promise we can meet her properly.”

He’d nodded, promising to arrange something soon. 

He’d mentioned this to Kay on one of the three occasions he had managed to see her, and she’d grinned at him stating that she’d love to meet his friends properly.“You have met my friends and family already after all.” She’d commented

And so they’d agreed that the next Friday night the team were free, they’d come to her bar. 

The night happened to coincide with one of the nights she was performing. They’d gotten to the bar later than planned and Hotch had had to bail out as he’d needed to get home to Jack. Kay and Jake were already on stage when they’d gotten there, Ally greeting him with a warm smile and showing them to a table with a hand written ‘reserved’ sign on it. 

“Spencer she’s beautiful. And gosh, that voice.” JJ looked at her friend fondly, pleased that he seemed to have found someone who was making him smile again. 

“Kid, if I was twenty years younger you’d have some seriously competition on your hands here.” Rossi teased him, taking a sip of his scotch. 

“Rossi if you’d have seen them together the first time Baby girl and I did, you’d realise that our little boy genius here has no competition. Pretty boys are obviously her type.” Morgan slapped Reid on the shoulder playfully. 

“Sinking fast, under toe  
Pull me in, don’t let go  
On your mark, ready, set  
Feel your breath on my neck”

The song choice was definitely not Kays usual type but the crowd was loving it, watching her slinking her hips on the stage. She glanced over at Spencer raising her eyes at him, him feeling warm suddenly. 

Derek caught the look as well “Wooooah Reid, I think someone’s definitely in for some tonight.”

“Shut up Morgan.”

Kay broke for a fifteen minute break coming over to join them for a drink, giving Spencer a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. Introductions were made, JJ and Garcia smiling at her approvingly as they asked her about the songs she was singing and how she found it working in a bar. 

“I actually love this place to be honest. I know some people might judge me and think that I’m throwing my life away here, but this bar feels like home to me. The owner has actually offered to sell it to me and I’m seriously considering taking him up on his offer.”

This was the first Spencer had hear of this. “Really? Can you afford it? I can’t imagine it would be cheap”

“I have money Spencer.”

“From like your Moms inheritance or something?” It was the only reason her could think that she’d have enough money to buy a bar without a taking out a loan. 

“Erm, yeah something like that. That’s not the issue. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted the responsibility. But Bens convinced me that I pretty much run the place anyway, and Ally and Jake would help, so maybe I am ready for it.”

The team talked for a while longer, before she returned to the stage to finish off her set. 

“Spencer she’s so nice.” JJ had turned to him her voice low. “And you seem so relaxed and different when she’s here. If she’s the reason that you’ve found your old self again, then I’m so pleased you met her." 

They talked idly amongst themselves Spencer part listening to the conversation and partly listening to Kay. He heard her clear her throat and speak into the mic. 

"Erm. I’m really nervous about this next song. Tomorrow will be three years since someone incredibly dear to my heart was taken away from me. For three years I’ve not been able to listen to or even sing this despite it being one of my absolute favorites, because it was ‘our’ song. About four months ago though, something changed. Someone came into my life quite unexpectedly and has changed it, in a way that I didn’t think possible.”

Spencer saw her blink away a tear as she looked directly at him. “Thanks to this person, I now feel able to sing this again now.”

The opening chords to Yellow came on, Spencer recognising it as the song she’d turned off immediately weeks ago when it had come on the car stereo. 

She’d mentioned to him that it was coming up the anniversary of Adams death but hadn’t given him the exact date when he’d asked. When they’d been texting earlier she’d asked him if he’d be around tomorrow evening as she had something to do during the day. He now realised that she was probably going to visit his grave. 

“Look at the stars  
Look how they shine for you  
And everything you do  
Yeah they were all yellow

I came along  
I wrote a song for you  
And all the things you do  
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn  
Oh what a thing to have done  
And it was all yellow”

Her eyes had closed as she sung and Spencer knew she had to be thinking of him. He wasn’t jealous or upset, he had no right to be. He was touched deeply from the words she’d said before she’d sang. He knew how much she had helped and changed him, not daring to consider that he might have had a similar impact on her. Yet here she was telling a room full of strangers that he had. 

“Your skin   
Oh yeah your skin and bones  
Turn into something beautiful  
You know you know I love you so  
You know I love you so

I swam across  
I jumped across for you  
Oh what a thing to do

Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line  
I drew a line for you  
Oh what a thing to do

And it was all yellow

Your skin  
Oh yeah your skin and bones  
Turn into something beautiful  
And you know  
For you I’d bleed myself dry  
For you I’d bleed myself dry

It’s true

Look how they shine for you  
Look how they shine for you  
Look how they shine for  
Look how they shine for you  
Look how they shine for you  
Look how they shine

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you  
And all the things that you do.”

Her voice started to crack during the ending of the song and when she opened her eyes again to look around the room, Spencer saw tears rolling down her cheeks. Jake stood from his stool on the stage next to her where he’d been playing alongside and wrapped his arms around her. The crowd continued to applaud her, not just because of the performance but because every person in that room could sense how hard it had been for her to sing that. 

“Spencer, go to her. We’ll see you on Monday. Tell Kay we can’t wait to meet her again, and that we think she’s wonderful.” JJ didn’t need to tell Spencer twice and he nodded at his friends before standing and moving towards the stage. When Jake saw him approaching he whispered something into Kays  ear and she nodded.

“Hey Reid. Do you wanna take back her upstairs. We’ll finish tidying up and close up later." 

"Sure. Kay, you ready?” He reached out for her hand pulling her close to him and leading her towards the bar to grab her bag and keys before making their way to her apartment. 

She was still crying as they entered and he led her to her room, silently helping her change into her pajamas. He changed himself and pulled back her covers climbing into her bed and pulling her close to him, the sound of her sobs making his heart break. He rubbed her back gently, kissing her head gently and after about thirty minutes he could no longer hear her. 

He thought she’d fallen asleep when he heard her sniff and then pull back from him. 

“Sorry about that.” Her voice was meek. 

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I didn’t realise tomorrow was the anniversary of…… ” He trailed off not wanting to say it. 

“Yeah, sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”

“I assume you’re gong to see him tomorrow?" 

She nodded. "Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. Thank you for asking but it’s something I have to do myself. I’ll go fairly early though so can I come to yours straight after? I won’t be much company but I,….. I need you.”

“ Of course. Whatever you need. Kay, I’m proud of you for singing that song.”

“Thank you. I meant what I said by the way. You’ve changed me, however unexpected it was, I’m glad you walked into the bar that night.”

She snuggled into him closing her eyes again. Just before he drifted off to sleep he heard her say to him “I wonder what 'our’  song will be." 

He wondered too.

When he woke up the next morning she was gone,  a scribbled note left on the bed site table with cd case on it. "Hey, I’ll be gone till around midday so either stay here or I’ll meet you at yours. Just text me and let me know. Thank you for last night. Oh, I made another disc for you a few days ago. ”

He decided to head home, not feeling comfortable enough to stay in her apartment for another three to four hours without her. 

He dressed and head home, showering before sitting at his table with a coffee and bagel and slipping her disc into his cd player. 

He pulled open the stack of newspapers he subscribed to, some local some not. 

As he scanned the pages one of the songs caught his attention, remembering Kays comment the night before about wondering what their song would be. Recognising the voice immediately as that of Matt Bellamy,  he knew it had to be this song. It fit their relationship perfectly. He stored it away in his brain for later, resuming his reading. 

The last paper he got to was a local one, and five pages in he stopped reading. A tribute to Adam Hallows, Tragically killed three years ago, submitted by Mary and Damien Hallows. This was Kays Adam. 

He carried on reading feeling slightly like he was creeping around where he shouldn’t be. Despite them spending so much time together, Kay rarely talked about her life with him.

A line stood out to him, him having to re read it three times before he understood what it said. 

What? 

Why hadn’t she told him? 

What? 

…… 

Your morning had been emotional and you were all cried out. You’d been very tempted to wake Spencer up at the last minute and take him up on his offer to come with you. 

But no. You needed to do this by yourself. The rest of your family had offered to accompany you as well and you’d turned them all down as you’d done last year. 

This year had seemed easier but at the same time harder. As you knelt at his grave, talking softly in hushed tones you wondered whether you should tell him about Spencer. Before realising that if he was watching over you, as you were so often told that he was, then he’d already know. 

He would have wanted you to be happy, you knew this. It was just the way Adam was. Caring and kind. Understanding. He wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve over him for ever which is why you’d made a point of not. You’d gotten on with your life. Lived it the way you knew he’d approve of. He’d always loved your singing voice and had encouraged you to perform but you’d shied away from it. Now you were doing it on a regular basis and you hoped you were making him proud. 

 Now  you were moving on with the next stage of your life. The stage that incorporated someone new. The stage that was scary as hell for you, but also exciting. 

You lay the two bouquets you’d picked up on the way before wiping your tears away and standing. 

“I love you Adam, I’ll never forget. I promise.”

You drove back into the city, tears drying up as you sang along with the radio wondering what you and Spencer could do this afternoon. 

He’d given you his spare key when you’d left your Aunts house after the party, just in case he’d said. 

Entering his apartment you found him sitting at his kitchen table, numerous papers spread everywhere. 

“Hey.”

He didn’t respond, a strange look on his face. You walked over to the table to see what he’d been reading, seeing a familiar photo on the page. 

It was a tribute to Adam. 

“You never told me you were in the car when he died.”

“No.” You wondered what else the article mentioned. 

“You didn’t tell me you were married to him.”

“No.” Your voice growing smaller when you realised what else the article was going say. 

“Or that you were pregnant when you had the accident.” His voice was low and emotionless. 

“Does it matter?" 

"Of course it fucking matters Kay.” He more or less exploded. “You’d married this man, were prepared to have a child with him. And you were in the crash too. You never mentioned any of this to me. I find it out from a paper?" 

"I wasn’t injured. And I didn’t know I was pregnant. I only found out when I was taken to the hospital. Why are you so upset. What difference does it make?”

“Because you’re a hypocrite.”

“Pardon?” A hypocrite? 

“You keep telling me not to close myself off, to be honest with people. That I needed to open myself up if I was going to move on. Yet you’ve left two major aspects of your life out. That makes you a hypocrite. What else have you lied about?”

“Lied….. I haven’t lied about anything Spencer. I didn’t tell you this because it doesn’t make any difference to me. Yes we were married. We were high school sweethearts, we married at 20 but I’m guessing you know that now. And yes I was pregnant but I don’t let myself think about that. I didn’t know about the baby until there was no longer a baby to think about. These were just details. Details that didn’t make the situation any worse or any better for me." 

That wasn’t true. Knowing about the baby had made the situation worse for you. Not only had you lost the love of your life but you’d unknowingly been carrying a part of him inside you and that was lost too. But you didn’t think about it, couldn’t think about it.

"You should have told me.” His voice was raised and he pushed back from his chair standing up.

“You never asked Spencer. Think about that. You’ve asked about almost every aspect of my life except him. Anything you’d have wanted to know I’d have told you but you never asked. Yet I know everything about Maeve, because I fucking asked. Think about that.”

He opened his mouth to speak but you cut him off. “You know what. I don’t need this today. I thought I needed you but instead I come here to be called a liar and a hypocrite. From the one person I thought would understand me today. The person I’ve come to rely on, come to love. Fuck this Spencer. And fuck you too.”

You turned, walking out of his apartment and getting back into your car.

Slamming the car into gear, you drove following a familiar route. 

You were upset but determined not to let the tears fall again. 

Was this going to be the end of something so new and special to you? Because you certainly didn’t feel like you were in the wrong here. And he hadn’t asked about Adam. Yet you did know everything about Maeve because you had asked.

You turned the stereo up loudly clicking it on to the cd setting and changing tracks until you got the song you wanted. 

“I think I’m drowning  
Asphyxiated  
I want to break the spell  
That you’ve created

You’re something beautiful  
A contradiction  
I want to play the game  
I want the friction

You will be  
The death of me  
Yeah, you will be  
The death of me 

Bury it 

I won’t let you bury it  
I won’t let you smother it  
I won’t let you murder it

Our time is running out  
And our time is running out  
You can’t push it underground  
We can’t stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom  
But I’m restricted  
I tried to give you up  
But I’m addicted

Now that you know I’m trapped  
Sense of elation  
You’ll never dream of breaking this fixation  
You will squeeze the life out of me

Bury it  
I won’t let you bury it  
I won’t let you smother it  
I won’t let you murder it

Our time is running out  
And our time is running out  
You can’t push it underground  
We can’t stop it screaming out  
How did it come to this

You will suck the life out of me

Bury it  
I won’t let you bury it  
I won’t let you smother it  
I won’t let you murder it

Our time is running out  
And our time is running out  
You can’t push it underground  
We can’t stop it screaming out

How did it come to this”

The tears started to fall again. How had it come to this? 


	8. Unintended

It took Spencer less than two minutes to realise how wrong he’d been and how right she was. 

Kay had asked for every bit of detail about Maeve during their long conversations but aside from the information she’d volunteered, he’d not asked anything about Adam. 

Yet he was the one calling her a hypocrite and liar. Fucking dick head. 

Why should it matter to him that she’d been married. Why should it matter to him that she’d been pregnant. Those were Kays issues and she’d just made it clear that it didn’t matter to her. 

Fuck. 

By the time he’d pulled his shoes back on and grabbed his bag, her car was gone. 

He tried to call her, getting voicemail. “Kay I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking saying those things. You’re 100 percent right and I’m wrong. Please call me back.”

He walked around the back of his apartment block to where he kept his seldom used car, praying that it would start. It did, and luckily still had close to a full tank of gas. 

He drove round to The Notes Of The Wind, not seeing her car. Dashing inside he asked Ally if she’d returned, her shaking her head at him. 

Getting back in his car, he tried calling her again, surprised when she answered. 

“What Spencer?” Her voice weary. It sounded like she was on speaker phone and he deduced that she must still be driving. 

“Kay I’m so sorry. You’re right. Please forgive me.”  
 

“Why should I? You called me a liar. And a hypocrite. I’m not sure which is worse.”

“You’re neither of those. I was wrong, so wrong. If I hadn’t been so selfish and self absorbed and actually bothered to ask you about him then I wouldn’t be in this mess.”

“Yep. Spencer it’s not that I wanted you to ask about him. I’d have told you anything you wanted to know. But you can’t blow up at me when you hear something you didn’t know because you didn’t ask.”

“I know, I know. Kay where are you. I’ll come to you.”

“I’ll tell you what. Figure out where I’m going and meet me there.” She hung up after that. 

Figure it out? Where had they been together that she’d need a car to get to? 

The hilltop. Where they’d sat and looked at the stars. Where they’d shared their first kiss. It was still afternoon but she’d said she used to go there all the time as a teenage. That was her special place. 

He started his car, certain he could remember the way. 

…… 

You were angry and upset with Spencer. But annoyingly you could see why he’d react to the information. 

But if he’d only bothered to ask you about Adam then you would have told him. But he hadn’t.

That didn’t upset you in itself. You didn’t necessarily want to have had an in depth conversation with Spencer about Adam. But he couldn’t then get angry with you when he found out new information. 

He’d called you a few minutes after you’d left, you letting it ring through to voicemail. When he called again, you picked up, telling him to figure out where you were going. 

If he did, you’d talk to him. 

You arrived at the hill, parking your car and walked up through the trees with a blanket in hand. 

Laying the blanket down, you sit on top of it, hugging your knees to you and plugging your ipod headphones in to your ears. You let your mind wander, losing yourself in the view and the music. 

Twenty minutes later you felt a movement next to your and you raised your head from your knees, turning to see Spencer sitting besides you. 

You tugged your head phones out. “Guess we haven’t been that many places together so it wasn’t that hard for you to find me.”

“No.” He shook his head at you. “I’m so sorry about earlier Kay. You’re right. I’ve been selfish. I should have asked. Will you tell me about him?" 

"What do you wanna know?”

“Everything.”

You lay back on the blanket so you could look at the clouds, Spencer copying you. And you began to talk. 

Telling him how you and Adam had known each other since you were 13, but only managed to get together at 18. He’d been part of the jock group at school playing football for the schools team, and you’d been more into the artistic subjects. It was only during the last few years of high school that you’d gotten to know each other, he’d been told he needed to take up another after school activity to gain enough credits to pass up to the next grade and he’d surprised everyone by joining the drama club you’d been apart of. You became friends through that, him eventually asking you to prom and you sharing your first kiss after being crowned King and Queen. You’d married two years later, surprising your family and friends by planning everything yourself within a span of six months and just telling them to turn up. You knew people would have tried to talk you both out of it, so you didn’t give them the chance to. You both knew that you were each others everything, and that you weren’t making a mistake. You’d been married for two years when the accident had happened. You’d been coming home one night from a family party at his parents house. Neither of you had been drinking, but the truck driver that smashed into his side of the car had been. You’d been knocked unconscious from the impact, only coming to in the hospital later. When the doctor had told you that you’d lost your baby, you were shocked, asking them what baby? You genuinely hadn’t had a clue, your periods had still been on time and you’d hadn’t had any sickness barring a week which you’d put down to some dodgy tacos. 

You’d told Spencer that the loss of your child was something you didn’t allow yourself to think about. In truth the reason for that was because the one time you’d properly allowed yourself to think about the fact that you and Adam had created a life together, a life that was lost along with his, Issy had found you sat in the bath tub fully clothed with the shower running over you; a bottle of aspirin in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. 

You hadn’t taken anything, you’d not been able to get the safety cap off the bottle, but you’d been trying to. But Issy had slapped you hard around your face bringing you to your senses, telling you that Adam would not have wanted this. 

The truck driver had lived and had been sentenced to prison time for manslaughter, his blood alcohol level being three times the legal limit. 

“Do you have a picture of Adam?" 

You did. You used to have them all around your room but you’d taken them all down when you’d started your therapy. You just carried a small one in your purse now. You fished in you bag for it handing it over to Spencer. 

He studied it and you could see what he was thinking. Adam was the complete opposite of him. Blonde with short hair and blue eyes. He was built just how you’d expect a football player to be. He’d been one of the best looking guys in school, but there’d been so much more to him than that. 

"You actually remind me of him Spencer.”

“Huh. How?” He handed you the picture back. 

“Not in looks, you couldn’t be more different there. You give off a similar vibe to him. And he used to ramble just like you did when he was talking about something he loved. There’s just something about you that’s so similar but yet so different.”

You both sat in quiet for a few moments contemplating where to go from here, until Spencer spoke again. 

“Can you forgive me? I don’t wanna lose you. I don’t wanna lose us.”

You nodded at him. “I can forgive you Spencer. I need to forgive you. But, I need to know. What is us? What exactly are we to each other?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment before reaching for your ipod and swiping through it, handing you an ear bud and taking one for himself. 

“ I, erm, heard this earlier. What you said last night about us needing a song. I thought this could be it. And I think it answers the question of what we are to each other.”

He pressed play and you listened, smiling as you recognised the song from the opening bars. 

“You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended  
You could be the one I’ll always love  
You could be the one who listens  
To my deepest inquisitions  
You could be the one I’ll always love

I’ll be there as soon as I can  
But I’m busy mending broken  
Pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged  
All my dreams and all my balance  
She could never be as good as you  
You could be my unintended  
Choice to live my life extended  
You should be the one I’ll always love”

You nestled closer to Spencer on the blanket, him turning his head so he could look at you, his hand reaching out for yours. 

“I'll be there as soon as I can

But I’m busy mending broken  
Pieces of the life I had before

I’ll be there as soon as I can  
But I’m busy mending broken  
Pieces of the life I had before

Before you”

You both smiled at each other and you leant in to place a soft kiss to his lips. 

“Its perfect Spencer.”  
…..


End file.
